What's Cooking Behind The Shades - what to cook for Indy

Good morning - As we all know the New Orleans Saints are going to be playing against the Indianapolis Colts in the SuperDuperBowl down in Miami on Sunday February 7. Now picking out different apps or dishes to make to represent New Orleans & Miami is like shooting fish in a barrel. It's coming up with something to represent Indianapolis or the great state of Indiana that has me bamboozled & perplexed. So far the only Indiana things I can think of  are Corn, Milk, the Indy 500, Breaking Away, Hoosiers, Notre Dame & the Touchdown Jesus. Not exactly an "In the know" type of list, is it ?

So here is what I need from you - HELP !!!! If you have a recipe idea, I would love to hear it. If you have a theme or an inspiration I can steal & follow, bring it on. Thanks and there will be pictures & prizes on game day.

That's what's cooking behind the shades for now - 12 more days until kickoff

 

http://allrecipes.com/Cook/107227/BlogEntry.aspx?postid=152992

 

When 140 Characters Just Isn't Enough

There once was time in my life when I actually wrote a lot and it wasn’t in college despite the fact I was an English major. At least I was an English major the last time I flunked out of college. I think. Parts of the 1980’s can be a bit hazy at times but that is neither here nor there and most likely is a potential topic for another blog at another time. (It’s deja vu all over again but now I am getting way off track).

Anyway, as I was saying. I used to write a lot over at the ghetto of social networking more commonly known as MySpace. You could count on my posting at least two to three blogs a week there about football, travel, food, LOST or my real specialty - everything you could ever want to know about nothing in particular. Those were my favorite blogs to write because I tend to look at the world differently than most of the folks I know, yet in a way in which most people can relate if they twist their minds right. Certainly not unlike the way that I write 140 characters at a time on Twitter and that may be in & of itself the whole problem here.

Ever since I joined Twitter and really started tweeting last summer, I have quit writing blogs. Not entirely quit but certainly not written them with the same frequency as before. (I will pat myself on the back and point out that I did pick the New Orleans Saints to win the SuperDuperBowl last September and I did name all 34 winners in my College Bowl preview but everything thing else I have written in the past six to 9 months has been nothing more than a rehashing of stuff I had written before. Not exactly awe inspiring from either side of the page and not exactly satisfying for me.) I found that I got lazy thanks to Twitter and when a thought popped into my head, I would just spin it out in 140 characters and move on without a second thought. But it’s those second & third thoughts that I have now found that I miss the most. I have come back to the realization that sometimes 140 characters just isn’t enough. That sometimes even 140 words can’t be enough. (Don’t worry, I am nowhere near the possibility of 140 pages – that’s for my dead in the water for the past 20 years novel idea). That I really need to come back to blogging. Consider this your fair warning. Your “shot across the bow” so to speak. Swampy is back.

And that is view for now from Behind The Shades…

Revisiting Season 5 of LOST - one blog at a time

Three weeks until Season 6 of LOST begins – Three weeks until the Final season of LOST begins – Three weeks until questions begin to get answered or so we think. Last year, as I have done every year, I wrote my own blogs before reading everyone else’s more excellent blogs about what we had just seen & how I saw it. Hindsight is almost always 20/20 or better and as I have started rewatching season 5, I thought I would go back and take a look at what I was thinking at that time too. I am not horribly wrong a lot of the time and not entirely right either. I am just a fan who doesn’t read spoilers, doesn’t play the off season games and doesn’t look for anything that is not actually shown to us on the screen. With that being said, here is my blog covering the 2 episode Season 5 premier from last year. have fun telling me how stupid I am….

 

Thanks to a heavy dose of real life in my real life I never quite got around to writing down the LOST blog for the season opening 2 hours that I had banging around in my head and now with episode 3 bearing down on us, I thought I should get a few quick thoughts down for us to all ponder…

 

PREVIOUSLY ON LOST… - easily the best 3 words spoken on TV…

 

I had that clock back in middle school – yes, I’m old…

 

Skipping record – symbolism & foreshadowing all wrapped up in one – of course it is always easier to see after the fact…

 

OSAMA BIN JACK – pill addiction has not been kind to Jack – I still wish he had jumped off the bridge…when last we saw Jack he was looking at the dead body of John Locke and Benjamin Linus had appeared on the scene. Now it’s Jack’s job to try and get the gang together and put on a show in the old barn, oops – I mean, and get them ALL (including a dead Locke) to return to the island. Good luck with that - Kate hates him almost as much as I do & Hurley is at Shady Acres and doesn’t trust Jack. Even when Jack cleans himself up, he looks like hell. If I worked at a hospital, I would never let him anywhere near a medicine cabinet, so I am stunned that no one tried to stop him when he brought in the dead Pakistani on the couch. I am glad that Jack has been shown to be wrong and I will kill the writers & producers if they have Jack be the hero in the end…

 

KATE – she will never go back to the island – especially after Claire came to her in a dream (which may have been reality but on this show, who knows ?) - so when the lawyers show up at the door demanding a blood sample from Claire’s kid, we all know she is going run, it’s what she knows – we don’t see a lot of Kate but we do see her go to meet Sun for the first time since they left the island – Sun doesn’t blame her for saying she would go to get Jin on the freighter but not being able to do it but does she ? The accompanying flashback could be viewed that way but you can also see Jack pulling Kate back to the chopper. Could Sun be blaming Jack ? Wasn’t I talking about Kate ? Who is the mystery client that wants the blood sample ? The obvious choice is Ben so he can make Kate realize that the island is the only place she has left to run so that means it will be someone else though I don’t think it was Sun…

 

When did 323 become a Southern California area code for mobile #’s ? I didn’t think it was back in 2007…

 

SUN – she has a second conversation with Widmore only this time it is in a locked room in Heathrow Airport where she very succinctly says that she wants to kill Ben. She also talks to Kate as we mentioned before. The one thing I noticed was that Sun looked really thin & harder when her hair was up but then I would probably be that way too if I saw my husband blow up (or did he?) and had to raise a newborn child all while lying to the world and plotting revenge against Ben & her father – though I keep hoping that she will also blame Jack…

 

HURLEY – hasn’t Hurley always been the voice of the viewer and the key to our understanding ?  Will we ever find out what his numbers really mean ? Were we ever clear on why the button needed to be pushed every 108 minutes ? Would you have even a semi-normal chance at life if Cheech were your dad ? Is it any surprise that he can see & talk to dead people ? He told Sayid that if Sayid would ever need him in the future he wouldn’t be there yet there he is driving him around and then letting him be taken to Osama Bin Jack. And how about that look in his eyes as he was handcuffed by the police as a way to escape from Ben…oh yeah, Libby says hi…(second best three words on TV)

 

Neil was wearing a red shirt – any surprise when he becomes expendable ?

 

SAYID – when last we saw him, we thought he was working for Ben but based on his comments to Hurley about not trusting Ben, he may be regretting that decision. Loved it during the fight scene that he fought through a coma inducing tranquilizer dart, smacked the bad guy with the convenient frying pan in the kitchen and then killed him with a dishwasher. Yet another reason to hate washing dishes in my book. Osama Bin Jack does bring him back to life at the end of the show with a drug cocktail that he probably brews up at home everyday anyway. I really hoped that he would choke Jack to death when he came to but no such luck. I think it will have to be Sayid that somehow saves Hurley from the cops but we shall see.

 

Does Lapidus have to go back to the island too ? If Desmond goes back, does Penny have to go too ? If Penny does come with Desmond does that throw off the island’s feng shui so it skips to a Barry Manilow song ? With the island jumping back & forth in time, will Nikki & Paulo make a cameo reappearance ?

 

SAWYER & JULIET -  LOVED the first hour where Sawyer’s biggest concern, other than when & where the hell they were, was finding a shirt. He assumes the leadership role well. He interacts well with Daniel, spars well with Miles and seems to have already bonded with Juliet…and Juliet has taken a somewhat secondary role for right now but as they skip through time, I can’t see how her knowledge of the island & the Dharma stations doesn’t help them.

 

How did I not say “WEDDING RINGS !!!” as soon as I mentioned Desmond & Penny ? Well I did when I was watching it but not when I was typing it.

 

Who is the lady in the butcher shop ? When did she make it off the island ? Why did she make it off the island ? How did she make it off the island ? Haven’t we seen her before ?

 

BEN –  so he isn’t in charge ? Is the lady from the antique shop really Mrs. Jacob ? Why is she wearing Dumbledore’s robe ? Is Ben losing his touch ? He wasn’t able to talk Hurley into joining him and he even had trouble with Jack. Even butcher lady didn’t seem to have full loyalty to him. We knew his power base was crumbling back on the island but did it also translate to off the island as well ? He certainly seemed like a lackey at the end as he reported his loss of Hurley to the cops and as he begged for more than 70 hours. I don’t expect Ben to be down long. He has a way of slithering back to the top and once he gets to the island, things will be different.

 

Richard isn’t any different but then again, Richard has never been any different. I am still convinced that he one of the crew of the Black Rock. His knowledge of the island is too great.

 

DANIEL – He is first seen in the opening bumping into the video doctor (name escapes me at breakfast) down in the Orchid right after the accidental discovery of the Wheel by the construction workers. He is definitely present day Daniel (and he is the only Dharma worker with a beard) and he gazes upon the holes in the bedrock with some knowledge as to what must be done. This scene will be repeated in a future episode. Daniel is easily the most important character next to DESMOND at this point in the story. He is the only one (besides Richard) that understands what is going on right now on the island and the only one that can do something about it. If you remember from the most excellent Season 4 episode, THE CONSTANT, Daniel wrote at the end that Desmond would be his “constant” in his notebook and he remembered that before he went and knocked on the hatch door. We never did hear his mother’s name back at Oxford but we can’t help but think that it is the antiques lady. (mmm – that Red Herring was tasty)

 

And then there is LOCKE  - He finds himself alone in the jungle. He witnesses Eko’s brother’s plane crash. He gets shot by Ethan. He is given the compass that points North and that will be Richard’s “constant” once they meet again and he saves Sawyer & Juliet from the former Dharma guards in a very Others like manner as he strides from the jungle. Richard told him that in order to save the island, he will have to die. As we saw at the end of last year and the beginning of this year, Locke will make the ultimate sacrifice for the Island.

 

So where does that leave us ? It leaves us with a ton of questions and me with no time to answer them until I get delayed at the airport later today as I try to fly home into a snow & ice storm. So talk amongst yourselves. Answer each other’s questions and tell me what I missed.

 

Quietly hoping I don’t have to land in the Bay of Bayonne…swampy abides…

 

and that is the view for now From Behind The Shades……

 

 

What's Cooking Behind The Shades - Planning the SuperDuperBowl Menu

The NFL Regular Season came to end last night when the Cincinnati Bengals rather than showing up in the freezing cold for a meaningless game decided to take the night off to go see the tree in Rockefeller Center & to see who survived the plane crash on Desperate Housewives. That's all well & good but what does that have to do with cooking  or food you may ask. Well that's certainly a good question and I am just the man to answer it for you.
 
Super Bowl Sunday or as I prefer to refer to the spectacle, SuperDuperBowl Sunday, is virtually an unofficial national holiday. Friends & Family gather in front of large screen TV's with piles of food in front of them or on the buffet by the kitchen while they watch the game, the commercials and the myriad of illegal 100 square pools & various other sundry side bets they have going. The game itself is invariably remembered more often for the commercials & food than it is for the final score so it has been my goal ever since I learned how to cook for myself (thanks Mom) to have a more than impressive spread available during the viewing of the game.
 
Now when it comes to planning the menu, I begin as soon as the SuperDuperBowl is over. What worked ? What didn't ? What did I hear about in the days after the game that other people had that I want to have ? What have I tried t other parties or restaurants that could be fun to twist ? What city is hosting the SuperDuperBowl ? And of course, which two teams are playing in the big game because we need to make sure that we have some regional representation in the cuisine. So let's look at this year's teams and let's see where we might be headed since I need to start planning NOW !!!
 
NFC Teams
 
New Orleans Saints - crawfish pies, alligator chili - 2 dishes that have made the menu in the past - we could see some beignets this year too
 
Minnesota Vikings - hmmmm - deep fried walleye cubes ? deep fried snickers ? Lutefisk ? (I hope the vikings lose)
 
Dallas Cowboys - something tex-mex or maybe bbq, perhaps the Texas Crabgrass will reappear on the menu
 
Arizona Cardinals - Phoenix.....ummmmm......I'll get back to you on this one
 
Green Bay Packers - Cheese, cheese dip, port wine cheese & crackers, a stilton perchance ?
 
Philadelphia Eagles - no cheesesteaks, no cream cheese, going to have to think on this one
 
AFC Teams 
 
Indianapolis Colts - ummmmm - I know they celebrate with Milk at the Indy 500
 
San Diego Chargers - some hawaiian fusion, seafood, maybe a mexican influence while keeping it light or perhaps a zoo platter of exotic meats
 
New England Patriots - clam chowder ? a lobster roll ? baked beans ?
 
Cincinnati Bengals - they tell me that chili is big in Cincy so maybe I tie in my gator chili if they play the Saints
 
New York J-E-T-S jetsjetsjets - bagels with a schmeer ? hot pastrami sliders ? dirty water dogs ? street meat ?
 
Baltimore Ravens - Crab cakes or crab dip - could tie in with the Texas Crabgrass though I would shoot myself if I had to sit through Baltimore & Dallas in the SuperDuperBowl.
 
And of course, since the game is in Miami this year, we need to do something with a cuban influence to it.
 
I have also already decided that I have to try and recreate the Tennessee Tailpipes from Fat Annie's Truck Stop in NYC and I will obviously make my honey orange chicken wings too along with a tray or two of corn muffins and mini sundaes in phyllo dough cups (a MUST according to the swamprats). Those are givens.
 
So that's What's Cooking Behind The Shades for now. Please help me fill in my culinary blanks and give me some other suggestions too. I am open to try just about anything.....once.

34 Bowl Games - 34 Winners - Swampy's College Bowl Game Preview

It's that glorious time of year again where just about anyone with a stadium & a sponsor can host their own college bowl game. It wasn't always this way and once upon that time the bowl games actually meant something. Then cable television was born and so too were a countless number of craptastic games looking for any kind of an audience. This year there are actually 34 bowl games and it all kicks off on December 19th with the New Mexico Bowl and it all ends on January 7th when Alabama takes on Texas in the BCS National Championship game. Now I will admit that 34 games can be quite daunting for the non-football fan but that is why I am here to help. So without further ado, let's get to the plethora of pigskin that awaits us.

12/19 - New Mexico Bowl - Wyoming vs Fresno St.

One of Wyoming's wins the year was facilitated thanks to state snow plows & a police escort. That is how bad their opponent was and how much they needed to get to 6 wins to qualify for Bowl Season. Fresno St will win this game easily.

12/19 - St. Petersburg Bowl - Rutgers vs Central Florida

This basically a home game for UCF and Rutgers has done nothing but flop in big games this year. The Scarlet Knights start the season with a loss and end it with a loss too.

12/20 – New Orleans Bowl – Middle Tennessee vs Southern Miss

Middle Tennessee is probably the best 9 win team that no one has ever heard of and they will be the best 10 win team that no one has ever of after the game. And let’s face it, no one really loses when they get to go to New Orleans ?

12/22 – Maaco Las Vegas Bowl – Oregon St vs BYU

Nobody loses when they get to go to Las Vegas either and Las Vegas certainly loves the way the BYU fans travel. However, I just don’t see the Beavers taking a licking in this one.

12/23 – Poinsettia Bowl – Utah vs California

Utah certainly knows how to beat up & beat on BCS conference teams – just ask anyone in Alabama. Cal is more schizophrenic than a cougar I once dated back in the mid 80’s…..give me a moment please…..YIKES !

12/24 – Hawaii Bowl – Nevada vs SMU

Nevada runs the ball like they have a couple of Eric Dickerson’s & Craig James’ in their backfield. At least SMU gets a trip to Honolulu out of the deal.

12/26 – Little Caesars Bowl – Ohio University vs Marshall

Who cares who wins this game ? All that really matters is that once upon a time when I was a mascot for our local hockey team, I beat up the Little Caesars mascot. I hit him with a Domino’s box.

12/26 – Meineke Car Care Bowl – North Carolina vs Pitt

Pitt was just one kick & one catch away from playing in the Orange Bowl. This may be a relative home game for the Tar Heels but this ball isn’t round.

12/26 – Emerald Bowl – Boston College vs USC

A great matchup of two underachieving overhyped programs that looks great on paper. Not sure if they have ever even played each other before. You might think I am “nuts” but BC cracks open a win in this one.

12/27 – Music City Bowl – Kentucky vs Clemson

There is only two reasons to watch this game. The first is CJ Spiller of Clemson and the second is because it is the only game on that day. This game won’t even be close.

12/28 – Independence Bowl – Texas A&M vs Georgia

I lost interest in this game years ago when Poulan Weedeater dropped their sponsorship of the game. I lost even more interest when I saw the two teams playing this year. Just can’t ever pick the Aggies (unless they play Notre Dame) so the Bulldogs win this one.

12/29 – Eagle Bank Bowl – UCLA vs Temple

I think the last time Temple played in a bowl game they played in the now defunct Garden State Bowl and KC & the Sunshine ban were on the charts. This actually wouldn’t be a bad matchup if they were playing basketball. I just can’t see UCLA losing this one.

12/29 – Champs Sports Bowl – Miami vs Wisconsin

Wisco won’t be able to handle Miami’s speed and this game is going to be over early. Miami will be a team to be reckoned with 2010.

12/30 – Humanitarian Bowl – Idaho vs Bowling Green

The best thing about this game is that it is being played on the SMURF TURF ! Idaho started out winning 6 of the first 7 before they went 0 for November again. Despite the home field advantage, I am leaning towards Bowling Green.

12/30 – Holiday Bowl – Nebraska vs Arizona

I have no idea how to pronounce Ndamukong Suh’s first name but expect to hear it a lot as the Cornhuskers wear down the Wildcats out in San Diego.

12/31 - Armed Forces Bowl – Air Force vs Houston

I don’t think a platoon of F-16’s could help stop the bombing that Casey Keenum is going to lay down on Air Force. Houston is going to win this one in high scoring fashion.

12/31 – Sun Bowl – Stanford vs Oklahoma

How did such a crappy bowl game (El Paso – nuff said) get such a good game to watch. Should be fun to watch Heisman Almost Winner Toby Gerhart try to run on the Sooner D. Sorry Mom (she’s a Cal Grad) but I think the Cardinal win this one.

12/31 – Texas Bowl – Missouri vs Navy

Yawn – though it will be fun to see Navy try to avenge their loss to Mizzou from 1961. Look for Mizzou to throw, throw & throw and Navy to run, run & run.

12/31 – Insight Bowl – Minnesota vs Iowa State

I wonder how many people on the Insight Bowl Selection Committee killed themselves after they got stuck with this game ? The Big 12 is better than the Big 10 but I am picking Minnesota anyway because I got a speeding ticket in Iowa once.

12/31 – Chick Fil-A Bowl – Virginia Tech vs Tennessee

This game is a lot more interesting on paper than it will be on TV. I’ll take the Hokies because somebody has to win and I can’t see a former raiders coach doing that.

1/1 – Outback Bowl – Northwestern vs Auburn

A Big 10 surprise and a SEC disappointment for the first game of New year’s Day. Auburn shot it’s load in the Iron Bowl when they almost beat Bama. Northwestern should win this one.

1/1 – Capital One Bowl – Penn State vs LSU

2 teams that both had BCS Championship aspirations early on that just couldn’t close the deal when they needed to do it. I love LSU and have never picked against them.

1/1 – Gator Bowl – West Virginia vs Florida State

It kind of cracks me up that in Bobby Bowden’s farewell game as the Seminoles coach, he has to play in the “Gator” Bowl. West Virginia won’t roll over in awe of his career and the Mountaineers will kill them.

1/1 – Rose Bowl – Oregon vs Ohio State

Oregon was really one punch and one loss away from serious national title consideration. Ohio State is a team I have hated ever since I knew what football was. Go Ducks !

1/1 – Sugar Bowl – Cincinnati vs Florida

This could have been a much better game if Brian Kelly hadn’t run away to go coach Notre Dame. It does still have an interesting storyline in that you have Tim Tebow’s final game and you have a Cincinnati team that will either be out to prove that they don’t need their old turncoat coach or a you will have a Cincinnati team that rolls over from the controversy of it all. I think we will see the former since Mardy Gilyard is a real threat to score any & every time he touches the ball.

1/2 – International Bowl – South Florida vs Northern Illinois

This would be an interesting matchup in early September. It’s a reason to change the channel in January. I’m going with the underdogs from Northern Illinois.

1/2 – Papajohns.com Bowl – Connecticut vs South Carolina

I hate all Steve Spurrier coached teams and Connecticut has played well all season losing it’s 5 games by a combined total of 15 points. The Huskies have an intangible to play for that the Gamecocks don’t. I like Connecticut by a slice or two.

1/2 – Cotton Bowl – Oklahoma State vs Mississippi

The Cotton Bowl used to be one of the Big 4 Bowl Games but now it has been relegated to 2^nd tier status but it always gets a fun game to watch. I like both teams in this game so I really don’t care who wins but I will be putting my bowl picks pool money on OK State.

1/2 – Liberty Bowl – East Carolina vs Arkansas

I really liked the way that East Carolina handled Houston in the Conference USA Championship Game to get here. I don’t see them having any problems whatsoever handling the Razorbacks too.

1/2 – Alamo Bowl – Texas Tech vs Michigan State

I like the San Antonio Riverwalk. I like Texas Tech. Not much else to say about this game other than it finishes off an extremely long day of football.

1/4 – Fiesta Bowl – TCU vs Boise State

In some ways this battle of Non-BCS Conference undefeated teams is a cop out because both of these teams would have beaten any BCS Conference team that they faced but in other ways it isn’t because this is a football fan’s dream matchup. Both teams can & do score at will. Both teams are exciting. Everyone remembers what Boise State did to Oklahoma and everyone should remember Billy Clyde Puckett & Shake Tiller – 2 of TCU’s most famous football graduates. This game could actually inspire Dan Jenkins to even write another football book – at least I hope so. I bleed orange & blue on both a college & pro level so my heart and my head both tell me to take Boise State.

1/5 – Orange Bowl – Georgia Tech vs Iowa

A nice placeholder/palate cleanser game between the main course (Fiesta) and the dessert (BCS Championship). Neither team truly excites me but both will show up ready to play but like I said earlier, I once got a speeding ticket in Iowa (Marengo – 1981 to be exact) so I will cheering for the Rambling Wreck from Georgia Tech.

1/6 – GMAC Bowl – Central Michigan vs Troy

Where is the outrage & outcry over the Central michigan’s coach taking the job in Cincinnati ? Exactly. Troy is a team on the rise but Central Michigan has a QB that has found the end zone more often than any other QB in FBS history. Look for him to find it a few more times in this game as CMU finishes the season off with their 12^th win.

1/6 – BCS National Championship Game – Alabama vs Texas

Based on their conference championship games, this should be a blowout of snoozefest proportions with Heisman winner Mark Ingram rolling the Tide over Heisman also ran Colt McCoy & the Longhorns but I don’t like o use comparative scores when looking at a game like this. I think both conferences are overrated & over-hyped but these are indeed the best teams from both. The Longhorns are 5 point underdogs and I fully expect them to cover the spread. I also think that based on Bama’s performance against Auburn that Texas has more than a fighting chance of pulling off the upset. I’m liking the Longhorns pulling it out in their final drive as time expires.

So there you go. 34 games. 34 winners. Check back often to see why there is a reason that Las Vegas loves me as much as they do.

And that is the view for now from Behind The Shades and on the sidelines…..swampy abides….

2009 PNC Christmas Price Index - Swampy Style

Every year our friends down at PNC Bank take a couple of interns and assign them to update the Christmas Price Index. You all know what this is but just in case you don't, it is the present day cost of all of the items in the song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas". This year, prices have for the most part gone up again and the total cost of what amounts to pretty much a bunch of useless presents comes in at a grand total $21,465.56 (+1.8%). Now if you were so inclined to order on the internet, you would also incur some extra shipping charges in order to keep your 23 different birds alive so you would be paying $31,434.85. Surprise, surprise - that is actually down 1.6% from a year ago but still just under $10,000 more than obtaining the gifts locally. Obtaining the gifts locally also means that you are being green (at least according to the emails I read from the "scientists" at East Anglia University) and that you are trying to be sustainable. If I could have worked in the word "umami" then I would have hit on just about every buzzword I have come to loathe hearing and could pass go and collect my $200.

But seriously, who has $21,465.56 to spend on Christmas nowadays ? (and if you do, please email me so I can send you my wish list) In this day & age it is better to conserve what little cash we all have so I have some suggestions on how to make "The Twelve Days of Christmas" a little more affordable.

One Partridge in a Pear Tree ($159.99 - $10 for the Partridge & $149.99 for the tree) - Now I don't know about you but I live out in the country and I have a lot of birds that fly around in my backyard and I have yet to see a partridge amongst them. In fact, I don't think I have ever seen a partridge in it's natural habitat. On "The Hills" you can see Audrina Partridge in her natural habitat (a bar) for free. Since we used Audrina last year, I decided this year to put a beer & an empty bindle of coke up in the White Pear tree in my yard as lure to catch a Danny Partridge. If I add a TV camera, I might actually get them both and have 2 for the price of 1.

Two Turtle Doves ($55.98) - another bird I have never seen in the wild. Do they live anywhere but in a birdcage anyway ? If we wait until February we could probably borrow a few from the opening ceremony of the 2010 Winter Olympics but that kind of defeats the purpose of it being a Christmas present so I guess we will have to fall back on our old reliable plan and catch us a couple of pigeons from my window sill and coat them in white out. Let's just hope they don't try to fly afterward or it will be reminiscent of Les Nessman tossing turkey out of a helicopter on WKRP.

Three French Hens ($45.00) - I am sorry but I am not paying $45 for anything french. I will head over to ShopRite where I can get a much better deal on 3 oven roasted chickens for $5.99 a piece. They will certainly be less pretentious, won't smoke gauloise cigarettes and will be mighty tasty too.

Four Calling Birds ($599.96) - what the hell is a Calling Bird anyway ? Again, it's not by my bird feeder and if it had been, something probably would have eaten them by now anyway. So instead of Calling Birds, I suggest stopping by your local Cabela's and picking up some bird calls - preferably turkey at this time of year so you can get a good meal out of the deal as well.

Five Gold Rings ($499.95) - $100 for a gold ring ? Get real. I can do much better than that by talking to any number of the west african street vendors that crowd the sidewalks of NYC. No guarantee that the rings won't turn your fingers green but green fingers should help get you in a festive holiday mood.

Six Geese-A-Laying ($150) - the price of geese is dropping like a rock. Kind of like the rocks I throw at the Canadian Geese that desecrate my lawn. You want six geese a laying, I suggest you go to any golf course or park with a pond and you will find plenty of geese that you could layout with a golf club or a stick.

Seven Swans a Swimming ($5,250) I got nothing new for this one this year so here is last year's entry - "they are nothing more than big nasty birds with an attitude problem but I will admit that they are graceful to watch - Seven swans is overkill though unless of course you hit the discount rack at Dress Barn for the leftovers from the Bjork Collection".

Eight Maids a Milking ($58) nobody hand milks cows these days unless of course you are Amish. In order to update this one, I bet you could get eight breast feeding mom's to fill in if you just promise them a private spot away from prying & judgmental eyes.

Nine Ladies Dancing ($5,473.07) At a little over $600 a pop, these dancing ladies are a relative deal compared to the cost of the 9 ladies dancing between the sheets with Tiger Woods but none of us have that kind of money so I suggest heading over to your local strip club where for nine singles, you can get nine ladies to give you a quick dance on your side of the stage.

Ten Lords a Leaping ($4,413.61) Okay, I liked mine from last year so much that I am going to paraphrase it again this year - I am in manhattan and I probably have a much better chance of finding 10 queens a leaping around the Village than I do finding any lords a leaping but I am sure that you could find more than few rejected male dancers at a Broadway Cattle Call audition who would be willing to leap around for a couple of bucks.

Eleven Pipers Piping ($2,284.80) Last year I suggested rounding up the kids from the elementary school holiday concert that were going to assault us with their recorder playing but this year my suggestion is to get eleven cake decorators for free since they do "pipe" the frosting and they are all looking for that big break so they can be the next Ace of Cakes or Cake Boss.

Twelve Drummers Drumming ($2,475.20) It's too easy. Walk into any preschool or Kindergarten class with 12 drums and you will have 12 kids wailing away like it's the space jam drum solo at a Grateful Dead concert. You may need to pay for a bottle of Excedrin for the teacher but that is a lot cheaper than $2,475.20 even if you do shop at Duane Reade here in NYC.

So there we are - my suggestions for how you can creatively substitute cheaper alternatives for "The Twelve Days of Christmas". I know that my suggestions may not appeal to every one's taste but that is the great thing about this holiday, almost everything can be returned. Unless of course you got it from a street vendor because odds are he will be long gone by the time you come back to look for him.

If you have some other ideas, why not share them with me and my 2 or 3 spam bots that actually "read" this stuff.. You never know what you will find stuffed in your stocking or under your tree on Christmas morning.

And that is the view for now, from Behind the Shades.......come back next time when we discuss something totally unrelated to what you just read because I can never keep a logical train of thought going in my head or on paper....swampy abides....

My Annual Holiday Tips for Tourists Coming To NYC

All but a few of the leaves have now fallen from the trees and more often than not I have to scrape some frost from my windows as I venture out in the morning for my train. Halloween is forgotten except for the stray Almond Joy or Mounds in one of the swamprat’s pumpkin buckets and the wild turkeys scampering across the backyard have become scarce. It’s that time of year again, the holiday season has come back to New York and if you plan on coming to my fair city to see the lights & the sights, let me give you some words of advice…..

Don’t !!! Stay the hell away !!! You are just going to make my daily commute a living hell !!!

But considering that no one, most of all my wife & kids, ever listens to me anyway, I might as well be a nice guy (for once) and give those of you making the holiday pilgrimage to the Big Apple a few helpful hints to make your stay in NYC the best it can possibly be….

This coming Thursday is Thanksgiving and that means that the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will be wending it’s way through midtown (and not down Broadway thanks to the Mayor For Life’s decision to give reserved seating to the tourists & the homeless in the middle of Times Square) with cheesy floats, high school bands, singers & entertainers that will leave you saying “Who the hell was that ?” and of course there will be the balloons. If they don’t have Underdog, then it isn’t a real parade in my mind but then again, I am old so that is probably why I have latched on to that particular character balloon. A word of warning though, just about every year some balloon, usually the Al Roker balloon, gets a little wild and hits a street light or a road sign causing stuff to break and fall on some dumb tourist’s head so if you are going to brave the elements and the crowds, look up to see if you are standing under something that could potentially put a dent in your cranium.

Now since we are speaking of Macy’s, lets talk about the windows and the famous Christmas displays that are behind the glass. Since early November you have been able to see the classic “Miracle on 34th Street” windows on the 34th street side (the 35th street side has the miracle of smelly dumpsters and bums so you can skip that part altogether). These windows show scenes from the classic movie starring a young Natalie Wood who would one day grow up to be the kind of woman you would want wearing only stockings under your tree but I digress…..the main windows and the ones that draw largest crowds are the windows that face out onto Broadway – right where all the singers stop to lip sync on Thursday. These windows will be the most colorful & complex and they will have music blasting as loud as possible. In fact, I can hear it over the music playing on the world’s worst iPod which come to think of it, may not be such a bad thing after all. Now as an added tip for you men, if you are tired of oohing & ahhing over the windows, turn around 180 degrees and look across Broadway & 6th where you will find the never ending loop of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Maybe Adrianna Lima will wink & blow kisses at you like she does to me. There are other stores in New York that have window displays and most of them are on 5th Avenue closer to Rockefeller Center but I never go north of 42nd street if I can help it so don’t look at me to tell you which ones to go look for like Saks 5th Avenue, Bloomingdales, Tiffany, FAO Schwartz & the American Girl Store. I suggest you go wander around on your own and annoy the commuters trying to get to Grand Central instead of me.

Now speaking of Rockefeller Center, the tree is up and yes it came from Easton, PA this year (possibly the ONLY good thing to come out of PA this year). It’s 76 feet tall and will have 30,000 LED lights powered by solar panels. It hasn’t been lit up yet but that will come soon enough. If you haven’t seen the tree at Rockefeller Center before than you really should. It really is impressive. Especially since they augment the tree each year like a stripper augments her chest. It holds court over the world’s most famous patch of ice where for a ridiculous amount of money, you can put on crappy skates and have other tourists make fun of you while you pretend to be Peggy Fleming, Jojo Starbuck or Dorothy Hamill. Personally I think that the rink at Rockefeller Center is entirely overrated and you are much better off going to either the rink at Bryant Park or even better yet, (mainly because it is even farther away from me and my commute) may I suggest skating at Wollman Rink in Central Park. True it is a Trump property and nothing says crap like a Trump property but the thought of skating among the trees & midtown skyline does it a lot more for me than over at 30 Rock.

Now how do I suggest that you get around in the city ? Well that is simple. You can take the subway and miss the sights or you can take a cab and pay through your nose or you can walk and take the chance of me stepping on you on my way to & from the train. The one thing I forbid all of you from doing is riding in a pedalcab. I hate these people with a white hot burning passion that has sometimes been mistaken for a shining star in the eastern sky. If I find you in a pedalcab, I will not only have to beat you but I will also have to beat the pedalcab driver. (and completely off the holiday topic but on topic as far as it concerns pedalcabs, there is now a “Poledancing Pedalcab” working the streets of NYC. It started as a Halloween Float but is now available for Bachelor Parties at $200-$300 per hour – though I wonder what kind of lame ass bachelor party would hire a fully clothed poledancer to ride past them on the sidewalk) That being said, let me give you a couple of quick tips about walking on the streets of New York. Holding hands is fine but holding hands or linking arms 3 or more across is just plain rude & obnoxious. Expect someone to walk right through all of you. (It will most likely be me) Don’t stand in an aimless group on a busy corner clogging up the flow of pedestrian traffic. The Empire State Building will be there before 5pm and after 6pm so don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk & stare and stay the hell away as I try to make my way to the train. Walk & Don’t Walk signs are optional for pedestrians and stop lights are optional for bicyclists (or so they think – some SOB bicyclist actually punched me last week as he rode by me while I was jaywalking. If it hadn’t been such a lame punch I probably would have dragged him off his bike by his fanny pack and stomped a mudhole in him but I was feeling magnanimous so I didn’t.) Oh yeah, jaywalking is completely legit and expected so the only person that might hit you would be an out of town driver because cabs aren’t going to hit you since they don’t want to deal with the paperwork involved in hitting a tourist or the inevitable tv camera crews. Speaking of out of town drivers, please try to remember there is no such thing as “Right Turn On Red’ in NYC and DON’T BLOCK THE BOX !!!.

Back to the streets though, the shopping in NYC is second to none and there are stores for just about anything & everything that you could need or not need in your lifetime but during the holiday season, the street vendors come out in force. Some have licenses and some don’t. Some have real merchandise and some don’t. Some have stuff that “fell off a truck” and some are selling things boosted from your hotel room earlier in the day. Suffice to say, that Rolex you just bought for Uncle Lenny for $20 probably isn’t real and that DVD you got for a movie that just opened last weekend was probably filmed with a camcorder from the back of the theater. The best salesman I ever saw was back in the early 90’s before the widespread advent of cell phones - when a guy plopped his table down in the middle of Fulton Street and let everyone know that his gold was freshly stolen from Macy’s and you could call and check for yourself but guaranteed by the time you got back, he would be gone. Deals can be had and the price on the tag isn’t necessarily the price that you will have to pay and the best deals on everything can be found from the street vendors on Canal Street & Mulberry Street in Chinatown & Little Italy.

Times Square was once a den on iniquity and on every corner you could find hookers, pimps, con artists, drug addicts and bums but America's Mayor, Rudy Guiliani, started cleaning things up and had all the hookers, pimps, con artists & drug addicts relocated and he had all the bums killed. Times Square is now a boundless sea of lights and a mish mash cornucopia of stores that can be found in any mall in middle America. If you speak english, you are most definitely in the minority and all the character that the old Times Square had, has been sanitized and swept under the rug. I can also report that under self proclaimed Mayor for Life, King Bloomberg, the bums have returned to NYC like the swallows to Capistrano and that does leave a slight taste in your mouth and smudge on my shoe. Of course you can always take advantage of one of the free Charmin Holiday Port-a-Potties complete with Tuxedoed Attendant to take care of the smudge…..

Now speaking of taste in your mouth, while you are in New York I am sure that you will get hungry and that is a good thing as New York is home to approximately 1,000,000 places to eat so whatever you do, please skip McDonalds and other fast food chains and try to experience New York. You can go to one of the 3,000 Original Ray's Pizza Places or get a dirty water dog from a street vendor (trust me, I don't care how long it's been boiling, there is stuff in that water that could kill Godzilla) or to a Korean Bodega like my favorite, Sick Charlies on 40th, or to an irish pub for bad burgers and bangers & mash or to one of the 1,000 Original Frankie & Johnny's or to any number of 5 star restaurants or theme restaurants that seem to abound in midtown. The varieties are endless and the combinations intriguing so think twice about that Big Mac and go get some cuban chinese instead. And yes, there are street vendors that do have chestnuts roasting on an open fire but I ain't touching those myself......just like I am never touching the extruded meat from Rafiqi's Falafel cart but that is another blog for another time. As far as entertainment goes NYC offers the visitor a veritable melange of culture. People watch and check out the funky shops & markets in Greenwich Village & Washington Park. There are museums & art galleries out the wazoo. The Rangers & Knicks both play at Madison Square Garden and tickets are always available. You can tell by the number of scalpers working the games. I have absolutely no idea what the hottest shows on Broadway are these days but if you head over to the TKTS booth in Times Square they can help you. It's the booth under the giant glass staircase. If music is your thing than you have come to the right city because there are concerts every night and great acts working the nightclubs. I have no idea which of those nightclubs are the best but I am sure that I might have one reader or follower who might actually know.

And if being a freak is your thing, may I suggest craigslist.

Finally, I realize that the holidays are a time of giving and charity but a quick word of warning. Not everyone in the city asking you for $$$ is on the up & up. Beware of the red clad workers of the UHO (United Homeless Organization) with their card tables & water jugs. These leeches upon society pay $15 a day to rent the table & jug and they get to keep every last cent that they can collect during their shift. I have no problem calling them out when I walk by and one guy on 7th Avenue has a special 2 word greeting for me whenever he sees me coming his way. It makes me feel all warm & fuzzy.

In all seriousness there really is no place quite New York during the holidays. There is a vibe in the city that helps put an extra bounce in a New Yorker’s step as they step on you. Well that isn't true of all New Yorkers, most are friendly & helpful - though that guy who's offering to help you with your bag at the Port Authority probably doesn't work with the taxi drivers like he says and he will take off with your bag as soon as you let go. Don't expect a cab driver to start singing Silver Bells either but you will probably get a lot fewer "up yours" than you would on an average day. Hell, even the snow, when it comes, doesn't seem quite as dirty. So enjoy your visit to New York this holiday season. Just do me one favor, stay out of my way when I am trying to get to Penn Station to catch my train. I will cut you off, knock you down or step on you. If you have a rolling backpack, I will go out of my way to kick it but that rant is for another blog at another time too......

Now just because I talked about New York City during the holidays doesn’t mean that you have to talk about New York City during the holidays. We can talk about anything you want to talk about. You can pimp yourself. You can pimp your latest blog. You can pimp your favorite pilgrim, it doesn’t matter. As always, creative bloggobbling is not only allowed but encouraged and while there are relatively few rules in the swamp, the gators are slow roasting their turkeys so they have the time to be watching & waiting to snap up a few sides……

That’s the view for now from Behind The Shades…..quietly making whipped butternut squash, cranberry salad & mini corn muffins……swampy abides…..

A Dinner of Hope: Sunset on the Serengeti - a menu review

For the most part, this year’s edition of A Dinner of Hope: Sunset on the Serengeti came off without a hitch. The food was interesting & vibrant and the chocolate station at the end of the night had a longer line than the silent auction checkout. The only thing missing was yours truly as the Master of Ceremonies but you can’t have your cake & eat it too. Unless of course you made the cake and you live alone but then again that would be an entirely different blog for entirely different time but that is neither here nor there and what we really want to do is get to my review of the offerings that were presented by the various chefs. So without further ado….

Cocktail Reception-All authentic African foods7 passed HD’O
Charmain Sithappah, Bronx NYThe Seasoned Pot

Now I don’t have a full list of the offerings but I do know that the star of the hour had to be the pumpkin & spinach wrap that was served with a fig chutney. I will definitely be trying to emulate this bad boy come SuperDuperBowl Sunday. The various lamb appetizers were also good as was a small banana fritter that looked like a crabcake and did not taste like a plaintain. The chiken satay was just that and almost forgettable. All in all though it was a good start to the evening.

Oh I forgot – there were designer martinis – hot apple pie, pomegranate and something else but I quit drinking 21+ years ago and even if I did still drink, I wouldn’t have had one of those because as far as I am concerned a martini is gin with the word vermouth whispered softly over the glass.

First CourseWarm Sea Scallop with Corn and Acorn Squash Chutney
David Haviland Castle on the Hudson

A very nice opening dish. My scallop was quick seared to a golden brown on the outside and almost raw on the inside. The Corn & Acorn Squash Chutney was less of a chutney and more of a sauce most likely due to the inclusion of some ridiculous foam. I hate foam on my food. It usually looks like someone walked my plate too close to the dishwasher before it got to me. It was truly a very nice dish despite the foam and the sauce as opposed to chutney and it was well received at the table.

Second CourseVeal Cheek Ravioli with Braised White Asparagus
Scott Cutaneo Restaurant Equus, Bernardsville

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a clear winner by knockout in the 2nd round. This was probably the best dish that I have ever had at this event and that dates back to 2002. the veal was tender and shredded finer than the finest pulled pork. The ravioli itself was huge and the lump of shredded veal cheek was slightly larger than a golf ball but as I now remember it, it was more like the size of a tennis ball and by the time I tell this story again, it will be the size of a baseball or small grapefruit. The other component of the dish that was knock your socks off great was the braised white asparagus. What a great addition to the dish. I may have to go out and buy some this weekend if I can find 5 minutes between shows of Willy Wonka to actually cook. Equus will be the next stop on our restaurant tour of the area once we finally get a chance to go out again.

Third CourseHerb Crusted Baramundi, Stewed Tomato, Fava Beans and Preserved Myer Lemon
Robert Albers, The Pleasantdale Chateau

A very nice piece of fish that suffered by having to follow the excellence that was the veal cheek ravioli. It was served with a Meyer Lemon Sauce that surprisingly played well off of the stewed tomatoes. The fava beans got more jokes about Hannibal Lecter than anything else. Ok, I was the one telling the Hannibal Lecter jokes but that is neither here nor there.

Fourth CourseHoney Laquered Sonoma SquabBacon Braised Cabbage-Mustard Spaetzel
John Halligan, The Park Steakhouse

Now maybe it’s just the events I go to or the time of year of some of these events but squab seems to show up on the menu more often than I would actually care for it to show up. It never seems to be prepared in the same way either. It almost seems like chefs don’t know what to make of it either. Unlike some others at the table, I am willing to bet that the squab wasn’t actually undercooked or raw but that squab is actually a denser, gamier bird and thus has an almost red meat appearance & appeal to it. While it was quite good, it really wasn’t ever going to be my first choice and I will admit that I did not finish the plate. The spaetzel was a little bland almost didn’t seem to go with the dish but the sauce was enough to cover for the spaetzel’s shortcoming.

Fifth CourseBraised Venison over sweet slab bacon with petite apples and Brussels sprouts
Richard Kennedy,The Terrace, Hilton at Short Hills

I hate deer. They are long legged rats in my opinion so they aren’t exactly tops on my list when it comes time to strap on the old feedbag. So despite my preconceived notions, Chef Richard Kennedy was able to deliver an entrée that I found to be quite tender & tasty. I also quite enjoyed the sweet slab bacon though it was considerably less than a slab and I also really liked the petite apples. My wife leaned over and stole all of the petite brussels sprouts so I can’t tell you if those were any good or not but considering my aversion to then in the first place, it was probably a good thing she did take them.

Dessert Buffet- Muslin tent with Amarula for coffee (an African liquer) and sumptuous chocolates
Balsamic Caramel : handmade carmel with aged balsamic vinegar ina dark chocolate shell, sprinkled with Fleur de Sel
Banana Cinnamon : dark chocolate ganache infused with Tung Hing cinnamon and banana puree
Cinnamon Clove : coffee in a dark chocolate ganache in cased in a colorful pyramid shape
Jacqueline : milk chocolate hearts containing green tea infused white chocolate ganache and flavors of lemongrass, caramel, coconut
Balsamic Dark Chocolate Ganache : infused with rosemary and flavored with 12 year old balsamic and organic honey
Olive Oil and Sea Salt Chocoalte : the signature chocolate of Donna and Company
Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Ganache : flavored with ginger, coconut and African piripiri pepper
Chocolate Torte : flourless truffle cake with a mango filling
Chocolate and Cointreau Mousse : a mini chocolate cup with mousse
Diane Pinder, Master ChocolatierDonna Toscana Chocolates and Lounge

What can I say about the dessert other than the long lines at the chocolate station were well deserved and never ending. I didn’t get to try all of the chocolates but the clear winner in my jaded opinion was the Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Ganache flavored with ginger, coconut & African Piripiri Pepper. It was sweet & creamy in your mouth and then the heat hit the back of your throat and exploded your senses. I am really hoping that Santa Claus finds it in himself to recognize what a good boy I have been this year and leaves me a few of those bad boys under the tree.

So that is my well sated review of the menu for “A Dinner of Hope: Sunset on the Serengeti” from Behind the Shades….swampy abides

A Dinner of Hope: Sunset on the Serengeti - a menu preview

It's time of year again and tomorrow night is going to be the 2009 edition of A Dinner of Hope: Sunset on the Serengeti. An evening of culinary delights benefitting Creative Heartwork (http://www.creativeheartwork.org/). This organization is near & dear to my heart as I was chairman for 6 years before resigning at the beginning of this year. Creative Heartwork, Inc.® utilizes the power of the arts to heal children and increase their capacities for wellness and future independence.

As I have in prior years, let me give you a preview of the courses & chefs for the evening (I don't have details on the cocktail hour other than the chef who is providing the Hors d'Oeuvres.

Cocktail Reception-All authentic African foods
7 passed HD’O
Charmain Sithappah, Bronx NY
The Seasoned Pot

First Course
Warm Sea Scallop with Corn and Acorn Squash Chutney
David Haviland Castle on the Hudson

Second Course
Veal Cheek Ravioli more description needed
Scott Cutaneo Restaurant Equus, Bernardsville

Third Course
Herb Crusted Baramundi, Stewed Tomato, Fava Beans and Preserved Myer Lemon
Robert Albers, The Pleasantdale Chateau

Fourth Course
Honey Laquered Sonoma Squab
Bacon Braised Cabbage-Mustard Spaetzel
John Halligan, The Park Steakhouse

Fifth Course
Braised Venison over sweet slab bacon with petite apples and Brussels sprouts
Richard Kennedy,The Terrace, Hilton at Short Hills

Dessert Buffet- Muslin tent with Amarula for coffee (an African liquer) and sumptuous chocolates

Balsamic Caramel : hanmade carmel with aged balsamic vinegar ina dark chocolate shell, sprinkled with Fleur de Sel
Banana Cinnamon : dark choclate ganache infused with Tung Hing cinnamon and banana puree
Cinnamon Clove : coffee in a dark chocolate ganache in cased in a colorful pyramid shape
Jacqueline : milk chocolate hearts containing green tea infused white chocolate ganache and flavors of lemongrass, caramel, coconut
Balsamic Dark Chocolate Ganache : infused with rosemary and flavored with 12 year old balsamic and organic honey
Olive Oil and Sea Salt Chocoalte : the signature chocolate of Donna and Company
Milk Chocoate Peanut Butter Ganache : flavored with ginger, coconut and African piripiri pepper
Chocolate Torte : flourless truffle cake with a mango filling
Chocolate and Cointreau Mousse : a mini chocolate cup with mousse


Diane Pinder, Master Chocolatier
Donna Toscana Chocolates and Lounge

Of course, all items are subject to change as you never know what may happen in a kitchen over the course of the evening and you don't have to watch Iron Chef or Top Chef to know that things can happen. Expect a review of the evening's offerings early next week.

There is also going to be a silent auction but don't expect me to be bidding on any of that Yankees crap that might show up.

Quietly pondering the inclusion of squab yet again from Behind The Shades.....swampy abides