Wednesday, June 13, 2007

"They told me there were animals in the back but they didn't tell me there was a fox."

Current mood: working Category: Blogging

Yes that was an actual line used on the Deadliest Catch at the trade by some old dude who wanted a stress ball for his grandchildren. I was so jealous that I hadn't thought of that one first...

By 4pm on Monday afternoon, even juggling our bright blue stress balls was not enough to get more than a casual glance from the "shoppers" at the Trade Show. You needed to have something unique at that point or some good candy. We had nothing but sore feet and forced smiles. I hate these trade shows because I invariably run into people I haven't seen for a long time (for a reason) but I did come away with a leather coaster, a couple funky pens for the kids, a small fire extinguisher and a back scratcher for my wife.

And if I may digress for just a second, I just found out that Mrs. Swampy plans on keeping the backscratcher in the kitchen so she doesn't have to use my fork anymore when she has an itch. Ah the joys of married life…….

I'm on a conference call right now,already did my spiel and now I am just listening to the rest of the country WHINE !!!!! May I suggest a nice piece of Brie or Camembert to go with that WHINE !!!

Back to a trade show related subject, you have to love the Stage Deli and their "celebrity" platters & sandwiches. I ordered a James Brown just because I could but what a turkey, pastrami & swiss on rye has to do with the Godfather of Soul is beyond me. The most appropriately named dish was the "Richard Simmons Tropical Fruit Plate" – I was actually stunned that they would be that "controversial" in their namings…..

Looks like the NYC strip clubs may have finally identified a new target market (and one I have long thought they shouldn't ignore) – they have started handing out free passes to the crowd going into the New York Liberty (WNBA) games. Lesbians like lap dances too, don't they ?

Top Chef 3 – Miami starts tonight with a 75 minute premier – don't miss it

On a 2nd viewing of the Sopranos Finale last night with Mrs. Swampy (she hated it), I am even more convinced than I was before that Tony is alive and that he was not whacked by Members Only coming out of the bathroom. David Chase in his only post finale interview (in the Star Ledger – Tony's paper) certainly implied that Tony didn't die. I can still ssee a movie in about 5 years when James Gandolfini discovers that the American public can't get past seeing him in any role other than Tony Soprano (and that is why his career has tanked) begging David Chase to bring them all back for one final shot. Then maybe Tony gets whacked.

And as much as I have always hated Journey, great song to end the series.

Back to AC for just a second if I may and it is my blog so I think I may, went to play Roulette with the Deadliest Catch after dinner on Sunday night and lost $100 faster than you could even imagine. Went back up to my room, changed out of my convention clothes and put on more typical swamp attire - dirty shorts, old beat up t-shirt, sunglasses & a baseball cap - and went back down to the roulette table again. ne hour later swampy had won back my $100 and swampy had also won me an additional $200 (though Mrs. Swampy only found out about half of that.....)

The US Open starts tomorrow and they have a 288 yard Par 3 on the 8th hole. Say what ? I can't wait to see who goes for it. There really is something fundamentally wrong about using a driver on a Par 3 but…….

I grew up thinking I was a Presbyterian but thanks to Levi, I now know that I am really a Black Jew

With all the songs I hate on my iPod, it's nice to know that sometimes my shuffle button gets it right. What day can't start out better when you get "Joy" from Elvin Bishop's "Raisin' Hell" album following Peter Tosh's version of "Johnny B. Goode".

Dug an ingrown toenail out of my big left toe last night – at least I can walk now – maybe I need to go here for a pedicure……

For all of you LOST fanatics out there who are feeling their Wednesday jones coming on – if you haven't checked out B.Quain's LOST Blog today, you must. Great LOST related honeymoon stories and a classic YouTube clip.

So the conference call is ending and it is time for me to go get some Ptomaine & Salmonella on a Roll from Sick Charlie's for lunch. Blockheads tomorrow….maybe

I am sure that I forgot a ton of stuff I meant to write about and will remember again onc I'm done but that just means more for Friday

Quietly laughing at the NBA for their powerhouse finals of San Antonio & Cleveland….swampy abides…..

Currently listening : The Toughest By Peter Tosh Release date: By 25 October, 1990

Monday, June 11, 2007

My Hole-in-One turns 12 today.

Current mood: happy Category: Blogging

June 11, 1995 - Skillman, NJ
It was a beautiful June day and 7 of us had headed for the bedens brook Country Club and their very challenging 18 carved out of fields and woods. My older golfaholic brother was in the lead foursome and i was playing with the swampdad & the swampsis. it was also the day of the annual pool party at the swamprents so we had to play quickly. one other note to the day was that the swampsis had just graduated from med school so it was a double celebration. My game had been nothing special for some time but at least i was familiar with the track so I would be able to fight my way around in something probably close to a 95. It was hot but the humdity that so often begins to accompany the weather in June had not yet kicked in but there was no wind to speak of and I knew that by the time we marched uphill to the 18th green, my shirt would be soaked through.
I was playing Wilson Ultra's mainly because they were free from work and no one else would use them. I have always been notoriously cheap about the type of balls I use and it wasn't until last year that I started to use a premium ball. I am sure that it really is nothing more than psychological but I am scoring better since I made the switch. The first hole is straightaway Par 4 next to the golf house and the clubhouse. Very Intinimadating. If you hook it about 100 yards out, you could be seeing people diving out of the way at the driving range. I always hope for at least 200 straight out so I never swing to hard. Back in 1995 though, I was a stupid golfer who relied on raw power and felt that I could stop a ball on the green exactly next to the flag no matter how long and iron shot it was. Well i can't remember where my tee shot went or if I was long or short of the green on my 2nd shot, most likely long since i would have tried to muscle it to the green, but I do know that I was on in 3 and 3 putted. I have never been a very good putter. I have no touch and I have a bad eye. I come up short quite a bit but my putting finally has gotten a little better of late. It couldn't be any worse than the round I played in the mid 80's at Arrowhead in Colorado where I shot a 97 with 53 Putts !!! I 3 putted all but one green !!! Pathetic but that meant that I stepped up to the tee box on the 2nd hole already 2 over and kind of pissed.
The 2nd hole is a slightly downhill 138 Par 3 with a twisting brook running along the right side of the green, not much room on that side and the grass sloped down to the water, and overhanging trees to the left of the green. the pin was set middle left so any shot would have to hug the trees or would have to hit a tree & ricochet onto the green. I hate Par 3's so i fully expected to be in the rough, water or sand but certainly not the green. I do think that a strong part of my game has always been fairly solid between 75-150yds out (rough more so than fairway) but put me on a tee box and I yank it every which direction.
so with all that in mind, I stepped up to the tee box to lead our group off. I set the tee low & deep and placed the ball lightly on it. I straightened up, licked my left palm (nervous habit) and gripped my 8 iron. I took one practice swing and took a small divot (Don't do that I think). I step up to the ball with the ball just slightly off the front of my left foot. I give the club a little pre-sergio waggle and raise my self up & down ever so slightly on my toes. I pulled back and felt the swing as the club made what felt like clean contact with the ball. I lifted my head after the follow through and caught sight of the ball in what looked like a bee line for the cup. I knew if would probably land a good 15' past the pin but i didn't care, it felt good. It began to look really good too. It steadily picked up speed as it streaked downward toward the green. It hit and with a short almost unnoticeable bounce the ball was in the cup. The swampdad started yelling "Did you see that !!!" and dancing around the tee box. The swampsis was stunned and I was trying to quiet dad because there were people putting on the 1st green. when we got to the green i saw that the ball had landed at the edge of the cup and collapsed a good chunk of the side. It was an unforgettable shot.
Now most people save their hole in one balls for psterity's sake. I drove mine into the pond in # 3 never to be seen again with my very next swing of the club.
Non-golfers who have gotten this far probably can't understand what the big deal is about a hole-in-one. it's hard to explain. it is in most cases, the most perfect shot you could hit at that moment. it's been 12 years and I have only hit the green 3 times since. It's a mental bloc now. I keep expecting to do it again.
So happy 12th birthday hole-in-one, I wish you had some siblings. I hope it hasn't been to hard on you being an only child.
quietly waiting for that next perfect shot....swampy abides....

Currently listening : Tin Cup: Music From The Motion Picture By Various Artists Release date: By 30 July, 1996
So I drove down to Atlantic City today in order to take part in an industry trade show. Which of course meant that somewhere around mile marker 105 on the Garden State Parkway, my inner jersey boy comes to the fore and I pop in my Bruce Springsteen mix. In most instances I can’t help but pop in “Incident on 57th street” & “Rosalita”, as these two songs really can’t be played without each other. Though I do have them both in my ipod shuffle, it really is a surprise when I am listening to the final piano solo that leads into the killing sax explosion of the opening notes of “Rosalita” and suddenly have one of my wife’s power hair band love ballads come on instead. And those two songs best display Bruce’s early ability, in fact I would argue that “The Wild & The Innocent & the Estreet Shuffle” is the most complete Bruce album of his whole repertoire. It showcased the mastery of the piano solo, the raw power of the driving electric guitar, the lightness of the acoustic, the use of Bruce’s vocals as an strument and most of the incredible sax of Clarence Clemons. That sax is what helped to set Bruce apart at the time . And there was a time that it could almost be argued that Clarence was almost a bigger star than Bruce himself but as his solo album showed & Bruce’s career showed, Bruce could make it without Clarence but Clarence could not make it without Bruce but how the hell did I get all the way to here from trying to decide where to start on my bruce disc this trip ? Well another recent choice had been the long time favorite “10th Avenue Freeze Out”, a song that I always found to be far superior to the more commercial & mainstream “Born to Run”. But today I picked “Jungleland”. I do believe that this was the first time that I had ever picked “Jungleland” and I was not disappointed because I had mentioned earlier, this 9 ½ minute song, this is a song that uses all of the elements of Bruce’s early career but mostly the straining groaning wails at the end that could have been played by a sax but had a certain raw primitive feel to them that fit the title subject. I usually don’t think so deeply about Bruce but the traffic was flowing, as opposed to the Northbound side that looked like it was at a dead stop.

Did finally get here and met up with the Deadliest Catch at the Trade Show. We smiled, answered dumb questions and gave away pens & stress balls. I grabbed a couple of stress balls myself and I did get my free hot dog & indigestion. More of the same tomorrow with a rubber chicken lunch thrown in. I did get one little cool handout and I will have to go get 2 more tomorrow.

Lost $20 in the Wheel of Fortune quarter slots but it was fun having it hit on spin the wheel every so often – obviously not often enough for me since I lost. And as for not having something come up, I only hit once on $100 playing $2 bets on the $10 roulette table. I think I may go back in a few minutes because I can feel the luck that I didn’t before.

Maybe some of Tony Soprano’s luck perhaps. If you didn’t watch earlier tonight than don’t read again until I tell you too. ***SPOILER ALERT*** The WTF moment was the hit of Phil Leotardo by Tony’s B-team henchmen, A tremendous pop by the way in my opinion and one of the great WTF Hits in the Soprano’s season history. AJ is a waste of a character but a series could be built around Meadow working in the court system having to fight the prejudice of her name. Props to Agent Harris for stepping up to the plate both in the sack, that agent was way too hot for balding anti-terrorism dudes with no real agency future but you have to love Hollywood because it is only there that these writers can live their fantasies vicariously through the characters they create. Janice & Junior ride off their separate ways. Janice in her search for $$$ or someone to support her. Junior into further dementia. Or was he crazy ?The final scene was so overt in it’s red herrings that you had to know that nothing was going to happen and that life goes on. Thought the cable had gone out but then I realized the final 2 words of the song were “Don’t Stop” and the credits rolled. I have zero complaints. None. I liked the ending. I can’t wait to watch with Mrs. Swampy for her opinions and does she ever have them. ****OKAY TO READ AGAIN****

Gatorade Citrus Cooler & Mango Electrico are the 2 best flavors they make outside of Lemonade. Made sure that I was pounding the gate while I was working this weekend.

More later on the special anniversary coming up in SwampyWorld.

Quietly waiting for KC & The Sunshine Band on July 13 & 14…..swampy abides

Friday, June 08, 2007

Bikini Clad Babes Wielding Bananas & Paris Hilton Goes Back 2 Jail !!! Current mood: excited Category: Blogging

It's a Fridy quickie and don't we all like those......

Let's start with the latest breaking news of the day. Our streets are safe again for our children as Paris Hilton has been ordered back to jail to serve out her entire 45 day sentence. She was taken screaming from the court – "It's not fair !!!!" Too bad sweetheart. Hope they toss you into the general population now.

And now for the story that should have led today's Friday blog – For the 2nd morning in a row, Bikini Clad Bimbos were handing out bananas to commuters in hopes that you would get a "Bikini Body" at iO Cable Digital Channel 502 Lifeskool TV. I missed yesterday morning (significantly cooler too) because they weren't ready ay 7:25am when I emerged from Penn Station onto 7th ave but they were there this morning. The young lady I got my banana from was actually quite attractive but I had a look on her face that said "I haven't had to grab this many bananas this fast since we all fell into Jimmy's pool at a party in the Hamptons last summer". I also got a free USA Today but skipped the free AM NY that Puddle Man tried to force on me. NOT ! Now if I can only score some free popcorn from Gardetto's on the ride home…..

Had lunch at Blockheads on 3rd Ave today. Awesome jerk chicken burrito. They also invite you to email them and comment on the music they play in the restaurant. I could have sworn that I heard Tom Jones singing "Burning Down the House by the Talking Heads" so I emailed them from my table. Had an answer minutes later – It was Tom Jones & The Cardigans – hello iTunes !!!

Another big bonus was the young lady in the red & white striped dress that "Sharon Stoned" me 3 times while she waited for her loser date to show up. Yes my darling, I white lace thong really worked for you. Thank you darling.

Why would anyone eat Pig Snout ? And why would anyone order Pig Snout ? Only one person I know can answer that question for us and he will probably comment about how he smoked the Pig Snout too.

Many new faces leaving blog comments thanks to my mediocre appearance in Blogger Bowl II – Bakes on the other hand seems to be the Flavor of the Month – you go Bakes !!!

Jeff Bridges brings back "The Dude" for "Surf's Up" – a most excellent reason to take the kids to see yet another animated penguin movie.

Still 3rd rate candy in the vending machine but it is bound to better than whatever Paris is hopefully being force fed in jail !!!

Quietly trying to make it through the rest of the day without answering my phone because that is the reason that God invented voice mail….swampy abides…..

Currently listening : Burning Down the HouseBy Tom JonesRelease date: By 05 October, 1999

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Cake in the kitchen, The Sopranos & which Springsteen song to play as I pass Asbury Park Current mood: working Category: Blogging
Today's blog is allegedly sponsored in part by Jumex Mango! - the official drink of the 39th Street Mujera de las Tamales and the front steps of the Williams Club.

I have over 1900 songs on my iPod and I can't begin to tell you how many of them I can't stand & totally suck. And I am not just talking about the collection of Mrs. Swampy's Power Hair Band Love Ballads from the 80's either. I really need to start deleting and now.

As a Hockey Purist, I hated seeing the Anaheim Ducks win the STANLEY CUP last night. As a Hockey Fan, I loved seeing the presentation of the CUP. No trophy means more to the players & the fans alike. Nothing however will ever top 1994.

WTF !!! Paris Hilton is out of jail for medical reasons ? What, they didn't want the other inmates getting crabs ? How soon before some designer comes up with high fashion cover for her ankle bracelet ?

4am TV has been brutal since the end of the regular season but Top Chef started with an all-star challenge last night – guess I will have to watch that one tomorrow since I was a lazy bastard again this morning and slept through my alarm again too.

Hammy was seriously old school in the final panel of Over The Hedge this morning. I have said it before, he gets the best throwaway lines of any character on the comics pages.

And speaking of the comics page – would someone please put me out of my misery and kill Diesel Sweeties ? Consistently unfunny but like a wreck on the side of the road, I have to slow down & look……

I was reminded elsewhere (thanks !113}l) about what great movies both True Grit & Rooster Cogburn were – you should also read her blogs - anyone who syncs up the theme from Sanford & Son with her blog is more than alright by me.

If I had had a broom handle or a large stick in my hand yesterday on my walk home, I would have stuck it in the spokes of the pedal cab that decided red lights don't apply – I hate pedal cabs and suitcases on rollers but that is for another blog - the long awaited "2+ hour commute home from hell" blog – I will also address the poor AM New York guy who hands out papers in the AM & PM who feels that commuting makes people mean and that we treat him like a puddle. I may step in puddles but I step around him. From this day forward though, he will be known as Puddle Man – they put his pic in the paper too.

Cake in the kitchen again ? But I just got done with the BIG cookie from Sick Charlie's. So much for my girlish figure this month.

As the date for Harry Potter 7 gets closer & closer, I am starting to hear more & more spoilers – I am only 300 pages into Book 5 so I either need to close my eyes & ears or read faster. Swamprat # 1 has made it quite clear that the answer is read faster.

Still no offers on the house but at least there have been a few more showings – still hurt to write that 2nd mortgage check – felt like I was using Professor Umbridge's special quill.

The Sopranos – Final Episode this Sunday Night – what will happen ? My theory right now (and you can just spin the wheel to get about 10 more from me any time) is that Janice will whack Tony and she & Uncle Junior will close out the series sipping drinks on the porch of Bobby's lake cabin in the Adirondacks. Phil respects Uncle Junior and the old ways & traditions of the mob and Janice is the closest thing they have to Livia left on the show. Now tell me I'm wrong and tell me what you think is going to happen.

Chai Tea Lattes in the afternoon are good but by the time I get to my train parking lot, I'm walking cross-legged. I know – too much info – I also can't help myself but even though I know the orange mocha cappuccinos suck, I still grab the free samples they have out.

I'll be "Hopping Mad" if I don't break double digits in the Blogger Bowl.

Actually, I won't……

I have always listened to "Incident on 57th Street" & "Rosalita" every time I have passed the first Asbury Park exit on the Garden State Parkway but this time I am thinking "Tenth Avenue Freeze Out"

Would someone just please drive a stake into the heart of the Yankees – I can't bear to hear any more about their chances for catching the Bosox & the wildcard.

Back to an old favorite - The Wedding Café NY - for just a minute. This is an actual excerpt from their website – "At Wedding Cafe NY, there are no salespeople to avoid, just a warm and inviting atmosphere where you can enjoy yourself preparing the beautiful wedding you've always imagined." – no crap – there is NEVER anyone in there so how could anyone ever feel pressured ? It's June for god sake – shouldn't there be someone in there ?

Quietly hoping I can get a halfway normal person in the seat next to me on the train tonight……swampy abides……
Currently watching : Sanford and Son - The First Season Release date: By 06 August, 2002

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Elvis parked next to me at the train station today & an anniversary is fast approaching.... Current mood: working Category: Blogging

Paris Hilton – Inmate # 9818783

She will emerge a "bigger" star than before and will sell interviews & articles to the media left & right. I would not be surprised to find a journalist willingly getting a record to be in the same lock up with her. I have even already heard that her Day 1 orange prison jumpsuit is on E-Bay. What's next ? The soap she used in her first shower ? American needs to say enough is enough. I promise (like a politician) that this will be my last mention of Paris while she is incarcerated.

Well maybe this will be the last item, I said it before but she really should release a version of "Jailhouse Rock" when she gets out.

I tried to drop a picture into a comment earlier today and screwed it up bigtime – sorry Levi – I just need to remember that when it comes to technology, I am all about sticks & rocks. At least I learned how to html some links.

With all of the legal problems that Michael Vick seems to be having, it looks like Falcons fans are going to have to get ready to embrace the "Joey Harrington Era". Bet you dirty bird fans never thought that you would be missing Matt Schaub.

Crawfish Fest was hot & humid on Sunday but the food & music were hotter. Always a good time in the middle of nowhere NJ.

Is the kid from "Two and a Half Men" really supposed to be Jimmy Osmond ? They certainly look a lot alike. And 50 years in show business ? Is that what I heard about the Osmonds ? Scary.

Played golf yesterday at the home of the 2006 PGA Championship – Baltusrol Country Club. For those of you who don't know, this is one of the all time great golf courses and a very stuffy & pretentious club. They would never let me join as a member but they did let me play as a guest in an outing yesterday. Now I won't bore you with all of the details of my round but I will tell you that for only the 2nd time in my golfing life, I played the whole round with the same ball. Never stuck it in the woods, never stuck it right in the "Old Lumber Yard", never lost it in the long grass. I still hit it too many times and I missed all of my birdie putts & 2 of my par putts. Guess I should have believed the reads my caddy was giving me but his first few reads sucked and I took too long to realize that he wasn't jacking me on the back nine and I should have believed him. I am also still way too much in love with my 60 degree lob wedge, I am hitting shorter with my approach irons than last year and my 4 iron seems to have forgiven me for my fling last summer with my Taylor Made Rescue Clubs. More to come as the golf season progresses…….

Blogger Bowl II starts tomorrow and I can't find the link to vote for me anymore – oh well – so much for my shameless plug.

Headed to AC with the Deadliest Catch to work a trade show Sunday & Monday – look for reports from the casino floor…….

I saw that Sam Adams, former Cincinnati Bengal, signed with the Denver Broncos this weekend. Do you think the Broncos & Bengals have a reciprocal arrangement worked out with their respective probation officers so players that move between the 2 teams can keep their current parole officers ? Makes sense to me.

Saw "The World's Fastest Indian" the other night on DVD – I can see why Levi likes it so much – my neighbor has the last Indian made and you can really hear it when he cranks it up.

In light of my Jan 28 2004 blog re-emerging the other night, I actually went back in time and did find my first "10 Things I Think I Thunk" email that got sent out to a select few unfortunate readers – it was from January 2002 – some night when I am bored you may get to see it again too.

"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia !!!" – I think that accurately describes my 2 eldest swamprats relationship.

I know it is not just me but many Rangers fans are going to have a hard time cheering for Scott Gomez if he signs with the Blueshirts. And in another hockey note, the Anaheim Ducks are just one win away from the CUP – the horror. I wonder if Emilio Estevez will start wandering around DisneyWorld dressed as Gordon Bombay in hopes of having people stop him for autographs & pictures like they do Captain Jack Sparrow.

Elvis parked next to me at the train station this morning. I don't know about you but it always makes me feel better to know that the King is on my train – uh huh huh, huh, yeahhhhhhhh, I'm all shook up……..

And finally, a very special anniversary is coming up in SwampyWorld soon – make sure to check back here often for updates. (spoken like the true page view whore that I am)

Quietly hoping you won't notice the 2006 mechanical bull pics in my profile………swampy abides………

Currently listening : Jailhouse Rock By Elvis Presley Release date: By 18 January, 2005

Friday, June 01, 2007

Let's start right out with what I felt was the biggest story of the day both last night & this morning. What was a Canadian doing in the finals of the National SPELLING Bee ? No offense to our neighbors to the north but they seem to bristle a lot when they are referred to as the 51st state so why were they in the National Spelling Bee ? I am glad the kid from California won. I used to live 2 towns down from him when I lived out there.

When are they going to get rid of the crappy French Roast swill and bring back the Extra Bold Sumatra blend for our office coffee machine ? And when are they going to quit stocking the vending machine with 2nd rate candy & snacks. I know I could walk a block to go get something good but I am too lazy for that so this afternoon I am stuck with a Butterfinger Crisp bar.

Does anyone care about the French Open ? Does it actually get less respect than the Australian Open ?

"Gimme 3 Steps' came up on my iPod shuffle as I walked out of Penn Station this morning. Great song but it probably would have been a better fit for when I walked out of the building tonight.

Only 16 days until Father's Day. I use Taylor Made Red golf balls in case anyone didn't know what to get me.

On the work front, some real pieces of dog crap have been coming in the door recently. I can't pooper scooper them out fast enough.

Maybe it's just me but how can anyone fall asleep in a Starbucks ?

I like Joe Scarborough on "Scarborough Country" but "Morning Joe" on the radio & MSNBC the last 2 days was even better. He's a lot looser and more free form. Best substitute host for IMUS yet on WFAN.

I use voices when I read chapter books to my kids – there is one voice from Home Office that when the kids hear it, they know it means pure evil…..

Babysitter cancelled for tomorrow night – I may not get to ride the mechanical bull. But if it rains, she can babysit. Teenagers……

On the real estate front I started paying 2 mortgages today….MAKE ME AN OFFER !!!!

LeBron scores 25 straight points to win Game 5 in Detroit – 25 straight ? Is he this year's Dwyane Wade ? Have I ever been more wrong in all of my NBA Playoff Predictions ? Do I actually care ? Nope…..

I entered "Blogger Bowl II" for some dumb reason – oh yeah, I was bored. Then I entered Bakes in the same category. 2nd place looks pretty good.

Still haven't seen anyone in the Wedding Café on 38th but now that it is June, maybe I will.

I missed the Asian Internet Access for $1 Lady on 5th yesterday and now that she is wearing her summer "I clash with everything" wardrobe, that is hard to do.

Playing golf on Monday at Baltusrol. They would stop me at the gates if they only knew. Get ready for a stroke by stroke blog on Tuesday if I play well. Just don't hold your breath waiting too long…….

Quietly wondering if it football season yet because I really do hate baseball….swampy abides

Thursday, May 31, 2007

So here it is 9:58pm on a Wednesday night, I am sitting on the couch next to Mrs. Swampy who is sewing a Betsy Ross dress for the eldest swamprat's oral in character book report and automatically I reach for the remote and change the channel to ABC and listen for the words "Previously on LOST". I keep listening and keep listening, knowing deep down in my conscious that I am not going to hear them but still hoping that maybe the whack on the head I got from the old bitty's purse on the train had sent me into Desmond's parallel universe or timeline. Instead some show called Traveler continues into it's second hour. This is one of the 183 new summer series that TV Guide has touted on their latest cover (interview with Chollie inside) that I can tape or watch to kill time until TV comes back for real in the fall. So what's a guy to do ? I flipped over to the Discovery Channel and watched back to back episodes of "Cash Cab". I will be searching the streets of NYC for this bad boy and unlike a few of the idiots in his cab, I will win – though I do have to give mad props to the 2 idiots who rode to B&H Photo and jumped out of he Cash Cab with $900. I also have to give some props to the stoner who lost the whole $450 on the final question but was still pleased that he saved $13 on the cab fare. Dude !!!

Bet I lost a few kudos for the LOST reference from a few people but I don't care.......

Started Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix yesterday – that's #5 for those of you not counting at home. Excellent start. Movie comes out July 13.

Scrunchy the Gay Walrus has inconvenienced the person he has crammed himself across from in the facing 2 seaters on the train the last 2 days so badly that the people have jumped up in less than a minute and left their seat to stand for the next 30 minutes. His comment both times "Some people…." Too bad I won't be on the train tomorrow morning to see if he can go for 3 in a row.

The Legend of Stray-Rod grows as reports come in from several cities that his blonde ladyfriend has been a somewhat constant companion. I hope Mrs. Stray-Rod can say "Half" because half of $252M is, well, a lot.

Riding the mechanical bull for charity on Saturday night and chowing down on Crawfish on Sunday for myself – provided I don't kill myself on the Bull the night before.

The motor on the babyswing at the bottom of the dumpster is still churning away. Thought it was a critter of some kind when I went to throw some junk in last night.

The temperature keeps climbing and the clothes on the street keep falling off - sounds like a good day for lunch at Bryant Park.

and as this is the last day of National Burger Month - let's all pause a moment and pay tribute to Kate Stelnick the Patron Saint & Goddess of the Burger.

My fortune cookie told me to "Keep on keeping on". Advice I should heed methinks.

Quietly trying to get some business booked today while sucking down copious amounts of office swill since I slept through my alarm and missed my workout again today – lazy fat bastard that I am…….swampy keeps on abiding……

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The LOST Finale Blog

After a season with a slow painful arc in the fall & a false start in January (Jack's tattoos, the producers & writers of Lost finished strong and with a decisive bang this past Wednesday night. This will rank as one of the top shows, if not the top show, in the now 3 seasons of the show. The show has hit the halfway point in it's projected lifespan and it has really started to hit it's stride. But enough of my mindless drivel & opinions and let's get to the finale.

I actually said screw it and even though I had to be on the road early in the morning for the second day in row (I shouldn't complain about free golf now, should I ?), I stayed up to watch the finale live. I got to watch it again last night so I could see some of the tells that led to the final climatic scenes. So today we get a mix of what I thought, what we know and Mrs. Swampy's insights too. Trust me I needed a second pair of eyes for this one.
Previously on LOST – god I love to hear those words. There is a certain urgency to the way they are so matter of factly said. We know all this stuff so let's get to the real thing. We see a hand on a cocktail that looks to me like scotch at first but is most likely tequila as we see in the penultimate scene some 2 hours from now. It belongs to bearded drunken Jack – Osama Bin Jack ? Looks like him – and it looks like he is on an Oceanic flight. He's sitting up in first class and he has no one in the seat next to him. I find that hard to believe but that is the poetic license Hollywood is allowed. He wants more to drink and is told no. They are landing in 20 minutes. 20 minutes is a long time he says. Jack, I would have been happy if we had only had to sit through 20 minutes of the story of your tattoos, which is 20 minutes more than was needed for it too. He is given a newspaper instead. I don't have screen cap capability or TIVO so I am straining to catch the headline but it is not the headline that he is ultimately interested in after the short lot of turbulence. Turbulence ? Oceanic ? Spin off ? He tears out a small corner article. Could it be his ex-wife's wedding announcement ? It's a little small and I don't see a picture but we can't read it either. We next see Jack behind the wheel of a car and he is topping on a bridge. Where the hell is there a bridge in LA ? He calls a phone number and begins to leave a message but he hangs up midway through. I can't help but think at the time that he is calling his ex-wife, he really needs to let go of her. After a dusty moment of deep reflection, he climbs out of the car and onto the bridge railing. It's a bridge over the LA Viaduct system and believe it or not, no one is filming a video or movie down below, Mrs. Swampy is flipping out despite the fact that we know that Jack isn't going to jump. We hear tires squeal, lights shake and the sound of bad crash. Nice Jack. You parked on the side of the road and now someone has crashed into your car. A child screams for Mommy and Jack turns slowly toward them before moving to help. I want to stay with Jack's flashback here but it's important that we follow this time and go back to the island.

The beach is packing and the losataways are getting ready to go. Jack miles at Kate as he walks by. After her visual exchange with Jack, she looks across the camp to a packing Sawyer. Is that a look of concern or regret in her eyes as she looks at him. This is the sneak peek scene that those of us who couldn't wait saw online – yes I said I wouldn't but I did, shoot me. Jack & Sayid discuss the shooters – Bernard & Jin – excellent shots. Sayid tells Jack not to come back. That he is willing to give his life for the rescue of his friends. Jack gives him his word. Bernard is checking his rifle when Rose makes him say it again, "I am a dentist. Not Rambo." – you just have to know that Bernard was brought back to die because of the promised body count. Is Sun actually showing ? Jack rallies the troops and the lostaways head off down the beach. It's Moses leading his tribe across the sands and the writers agree with me as we see in a scene later on.


When we come back we are still with the Lostaways as they continue their way down the shoreline. Naomi checks in with Jack (calling him Moses, thank you very much) about the workings of the Sat Phone. This phone still bugs the crap out of me as I am pretty sure that a Sat phone of this nature was hardly available in late 2004 now early 2005 – have the lostaways passed Christmas Day yet ? Wouldn't someone have mentioned it somewhere ? Someone's watch has to be day/date. Nitpicking, I know. Whatever. Naomi doesn't trust Juliet because no one else in the camp trusts her either. The light on the phone is still flashing red but it will turn green when the rock star finishes his task.

So what has happened to Chollie since we last saw him getting covered by 2 paramilitary babes with guns down in the Looking Glass. And that is where we find his still only now he is tied to chair and getting the snot smacked out of him by the light haired one. I speculated last week that these women were Ben's secret escape babes but it appears that secret is only half right. Chollie lets them know that it was Juliet who told them about the hatch and that she is one of us. Still don't know about that one Chollie but it gets the desired effect and the decision is made to call Ben. They are Ben's secret – much back patting going on by myself on the couch. Chollie see the blinking yellow light and has his own mini-flashback to Desmond's prediction. They radio up to Ben in his tent and he is shocked to hear from them. He shocks even more people when he takes the radio outside and allows Richard & Mikhail to overhear his conversation. He has to admit to Mikhail that he lied (another chink in Ben's armor) as he sends him to the NOT FLOODED Looking Glass hatch. Ben then tries to raise the invading party at the beach but the radios are off. Tents are marked, The shooters are in place and the Others move in. The deception is found and Sayid & Bernard pull their triggers and blow the dynamite. Jin with his handgun misses 2 shots before he has to drill 2 of the others. Ryan finally catches him. Bernard makes a break for but is close lined by Tom. Rambo would have killed Tom so Bernard was right. Sayid is forced to drop his rifle and the shooters have all been caught. We move to the ridge and Rose is in Jack's face. There were supposed to be 3 explosions. Jack looks puzzled and worried as the lostaways press him. He begins to make a speech but Rose comes back with the line of the night "Jack if you say Live Together Die Alone to me, I am going to punch you in the face." Go Rose. Lay that smack on Jack. The tribe follows Jack.

It's back to Osama Bin Jack getting stitched up. Nice cut on his forehead. Jack's ex walks in – she is massively pregnant and Mrs. Swampy thinks she is ugly. I remind her that all pregnant women are beautiful in their own way. I believe that STUFF IT is a suitable family style substitute for her response to me. J She asks Jack if he has been drinking and he wants to know why she was down here. She's still his emergency contact and she wants to know why he was out at 2am. Hey wait a minute, when is this in the timeline that she is pregnant before the crash ? An early tell perhaps on the payoff ? She tells Jack it wouldn't be appropriate to give him a ride home. Good bye Jack.

Chollie is still being questioned by the hatch babes about why he is there. Chollie really has taken Desmond's prediction to heart and he is almost flaunting the fact that he is going to turn off the jamming equipment and die in order to save his friends. He is told that he is going to need a code but this only causes a ripple in his somewhat psychotic exterior. The hatch babes continue to be bamboozled by the apparently suicidal crazy rockstar who somehow evaded getting eaten by the dharma shark in his quest to enter the Looking Glass hatch.

Back on the beach Tom is talking to Ben and tells how they were obviously sold out by Juliet as they knew they were coming but none of the shooters is talking. Not until Ben orders them to shoot Jin and ten Bernard breaks down and spills everything, Juliet, Carl, the radio tower – everything. Rambo wouldn't have done that. Ben plans on intercepting the lostaways & Jack and he decides to take Alex with him after hearing about Carl selling the others. Richard tries to dissuade Ben from going alone or at all but he is told to take the rest of the group to the Temple. (Jewish temple ? That was Mrs. Swampy. Probably the temple of the 4 toed giant).

So where are Jack and his friends now ? Water break in the woods and we see Kate & Sawyer talking or should I say Kate talking TO sawyer. She senses that something is different about him since he came back from his trip with Locke and obviously he ain't told her. So that look was one of concern back on the beach. She tells him to start caring and to get his head in the game and she gives him grief for actually calling her Kate. So freckles it is from now on in all of their scenes together. Kate then says that Juliet may have been sent to check Sun but she was also sent to check her too. Sawyer gives a less than heartwarming answer to her. Cold actually. Bastard. Let's stay with the tribe as they continue out back on the trail to the tower. Sawyer suddenly pulls up and informs Jack tha he is going back to the beach. Jack tells him no but Sawyer lets Jack know that he is not asking for permission. Kate offers to join him but he tells her no. That he doesn't want her to go with him. There is genuine hurt in her eyes and you can again see that the feelings she has for Sawyer are deeper than she is willing to show or admit. Juliet offers to go because she knows where a hidden cache of guns are that they can go grab. Jack reluctantly agrees and she kisses him under Kate's watchful eye. The hurt in her eyes also as evident as the hidden feelings for Sawyer were. How did Kate ever work as a bank robber, escaped felon when her feelings & emotions are so readily there on what would be her sleeve if she wore anything but tank tops – and no, I'm not complaining about the tank tops at all. Kate – you are still # 1 on my cheat list. Along the way Sawyer asks Juliet why they had them breaking rocks. Juliet says it was for the Alien runway and Sawyer almost believes her. He has to believe her when she tells him there are no guns and that she pulled a Ben – she lied. And Juliet ? Kharma belongs on NBC at 8pm on Thursdays. Hurley shows up wanting to help. He's been rejected by Chollie & ignored by Jack. He wants to feel needed and part of the team. Sawyer dismisses him too and we see a long shot of Sawyer & Juliet headed one way and Hurley headed the other. Poor Hurley but you just have to know that we will somehow see him again later in the episode.

Let's go back to the water again because Desmond has come to on the boat and come to the realization that Chollie has knocked him out and has gone down to the hatch. Desmond realizes that he has to go down to the hatch too when Mikhail starts shooting at him from the beach. I come to the realization that this may be the first time in the show that Des has been hit on the head and not been transported to another place or time. I also am hoping & praying that the Dharma Shark does not make his reappearance now. Mrs. S tells me to quit it with the Dharma Shark already and she is probably right but I won't. While hatch babes argue behind the closed door this time, Des pops up in the moon pool and quickly hides in a locker when Chollie tells him to hurry. The hatch babes come out and beat on Chollie some more mainly because he is singing. Go Hatch Babes Go – beat him some for that offense. Mikhail surfaces soon after and is surprised to see the two women he thought had been sent to Canada on assignment which tells me that Ben at least made the appearance that more than just Richard & Ethan could leave the island. Mikhail wants to speak to Ben, still much distrust in his one eyed head, and Ben tells him that the island is under assault, that he needs Mikhail to help clean up his mess and he orders him to kill the hatch babes & Charlie. Mikhail comes back out of the communications hatch, asks a few questions and then shoots the brown haired hatch babe in the gut. She falls in the water. Blood in the water – calling the DHARMA SHARK – smack goes Mrs. S – he then shoots the blonde one that has been beating on Chollie but not fatally. As he lines up the killing shot, Desmond pops out the locker and drills him with the spear gun just above the heart. Quickly they talk to the hatch babe that is dying and they get her to give them the code to turn off the jamming device as her revenge for Ben giving the order to kill her. The code is the musical equivalent of Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys. The programmer was a music fan, just not a Driveshaft fan.

But what about Jack's flashbacks ? We see him checking the chart of the woman he saved when he meets the new head of surgery – it's the head of security from LAS VEGAS – first Naomi & now him – who's next Jimmy can as Jacob > Nikki Cox as Razzle Dazzle's sister ? He is the new head of surgery and he tells Jack that Jack is hero (twice over) but he should go home and rest, have a drink, they have the surgery well in hand. We next see Jack jamming down the street of a less than desirable neighborhood listening to some seriously less than desirable music. He parks, checks his news clipping, makes a call, hangs up on VM, pops a pill and heads for the funeral parlor across the street almost getting hit by car in the process. No one is inside the room when he walks in and the manager tells him there was only a viewing. No one came. When asked if he was friend or family, Jack says neither. So the clipping he has was a funeral announcement but for who ? Mrs. S is fixated on the size of the coffin. She is claiming that it is too small. More on that later. We then see Jack trying to get more pills but the pharmacist says no despite a man in line telling her that Jack is a hero (twice over according to the new head of surgery) and give him what he wants. When he produces a script from his father, the pharmacist says she will need to call but he storms out instead, so much for the cheap sunglasses. We then see Jack stealing samples of Oxycodone from a case in the hospital. He is an absolute mess and Dr. Las Vegas catches him but not with the drugs. He questions him about what he was doing on the bridge since the woman he saved said she crashed when she saw a potential jumper on the bridge railing. He asks if he has been drinking and Jack challenges him to call down his father and if he is drunker than Christian than he an fire him. Dr. Las Vegas starts to say something but Jack leaves abruptly.

Where has Locke been all this time ? Last we saw he was left laying in the pit of dharma dead and that is where we find him again. He can't seem to move his legs and but he can reach far enough to reach a loaded gun. He checks the revolver and gets ready to pull the trigger but stops short when Walt suddenly appears at the edge of the pit. Time has not stood still for Walt. The boy has grown. He tells John to get up, that his legs do work and that he has a job to do. That was random. I expected smoky, not Walt. This will have to wait until February 2008. I don't know how we can all wait that long but we all waited for the Sopranos so we can wait for LOST.

Back to the wandering tribe, Jack tells Kate that Sawyer didn't mean it when he told her he didn't want her with him. He only said that to protect her just like he wanted to protect her when he told her not to come back for him. When asked why, Jack said "I love you." And Kate is even more confused about her emotions. As they crest the top of the next rise, there is Ben waiting for them. Jack is stunned and furious at the same time. Ben asks for 5 minutes of Jack's time after Kate confirms that there is no one else with them. Handy to have a Sheena jungle girl who can track people, isn't it ? Ben spins a tale about why Jack needs to give him the phone that Naomi has and how they can all just go home and live happily ever after. Jack doesn't buy and Ben threatens to kill Sayid, Bernard & Jin if he doesn't. We hear the 3 shots on the walkie talkie as time runs out and Jack beats ben to a bloody pulp. Mrs. S is furious that Sayid & Jin are dead. She won't be watching next year. Jack dumps his bloody beaten bosy at the feet of the tribe and goes off behind a bush to try and compose himself. Kate checks on him and he tells her that they just killed the ones on the beach. It's getting uglier. Back at Jack's tribe Danielle has slowly walked up to Ben & Alex and Ben introduces Alex to her mother. Danielle touches her face and then suggests some mother daughter bonding in tying up Ben like a dog.

Back to the Looking Glass, the bodies are laid out and Chollie tells Desmond to go get some scuba gear while he plays a tune on the security pad. Chollie hits all the right notes and the blinking yellow light goes off. As he starts to leave, the incoming transmission button starts to flash. He goes back and hits it. A broken picture starts to come in and we see Penny on the other side. Charlie tells her that they are the survivors of 815 but she knows nothing of that. She hears him mention Desmond though and Chollie starts to call for him. Penny has no idea who Naomi is and knows nothing about a ship. It's right then that Mikhail Myers of Halloween fame shows up outside the hatch in the porthole with a grenade in his hand. Where is the dharma shark and why can't anyone kill this guy ? Chollie realizes what he is about to do and he realizes what he must do to make Desmond's premonition come true. He closes and bolts the hatch as the pin is removed and the explosion plows the porthole. Water rushes in and Chollie won't open the door. I'm off the couch and on the floor, must be closer to the dust in the carpet. Chollie grabs his sharpie and writes on his hand – NOT PENNY'S BOAT and holds it up to Desmond as he drowns. A noble death but not a necessary one as Chollie certainly looks small enough to fit through the porthole. We never really saw Chollie dead so he could be back in Season 4. Not.

Back at the beach, Tom is telling Ryan that they couldn't follow orders and that they had to put 3 shots into the sand because Ben is unstable. We see the 3 of them still alive. Sawyer & Juliet are trying to figure out what to do when Hurley comes flying into the scene in his magic hippy bus and despite a hail of bullets, he runs over Ryan like the asian woman tried to run me down earlier this week. See my next random blog for that story. Sayid kills another other with his ankles and Juliet gets Tom's gun before Tom can. He rolls over and surrenders to Sawyer who drills him with a cold blooded shot to the stomach. That was for taking the kid off the boat – great line. Hurley asks why he shot him since he gave up and sawyer says he didn't believe him.

They march on to the tower but suddenly we hear Hurley telling the Others to stay away. Hurley confirms to Jack that they have recaptured the beach and that everyone is still alive. Much joy in the group, much distress in Ben's eyes. Naomi notices that the light on the phone has gone green but when they try to connect with the ship, they get Rousseau's distress call instead. They get to the tower and disable the message but have trouble getting s connection. You are in a concrete bunker you idiots, get outside. When they do get outside, the connection is made but just as it starts to ring Naomi starts to bleed out of her mouth. Locke has drilled her in the back with a knife and he has his gun trained on Jack. Jack is furious and wants to know why. Locke just says I can't let you do it. Jack goes for the phone and Locke shoots a warning shot but Jack still picks it up. The phone is answered and Jack starts to talk. Locke resigned hobbles away into the jungle. Jack tells the person on the other end who they are and asks if they can come get them. If Locke & Ben are right, this is a big mistake. Much joy in Mudville.

Back to Osama Bin Jack sitting on the floor of a messy shack slugging down tequila. He is surrounded by what look like charts on the floor around him. He makes another call only this time a voice answers and he says he is sorry to call but that he has to see them out at the airport. We next see Jack parking at the end of the runway at LAX and another car pulls up behind him. Out of the car comes a shadowy figure. It's Kate ? And she knows Jack ? WTF ? She says that she saw that he is still puling people from burning wreckage. Old habits. He asks her if she had seen the clipping and if she went to the funeral. She wants to know why she would go ? Jack says that he has been using their golden tickets they got to fly around every weekend hoping to crash. He needs to go back, he is tired of lying. She says she has to go before 'he" asks where she has been. Who ? Sawyer ? Is the dead bosy at the funeral home Ben ? She leaves to Jack yelling – we have to go back.

So this has all been a flash forward ? Mrs. S wondered just before this scene where it all fit in the timeline of the show and now we know. But there are so many questions to be asked and speculated upon before February 2008.

Edit on the train.I really shortchanged that last section because I was rushing to catch my train. Is this final scene a precursor to what we will be seeing over the next 3 seasons ? Will we be in the present and flashing back to the island ? I hope not because it didn't work for "The Nine" so why would it work here ? Is Kate with Sawyer ? She must not have gotten pregnant on the island. Where is Juliet ? Does her absence account for part of Jack's psychosis or is she still back on the island ? Who is on the boat if it isn't Penny ? Is Pen's dad part of the original Dharma and have they been trying to get back to the island to take out Ben and the hostiles ? Why show us Jacob 2 weeks ago and then have absolutely no payoff with him at all ? What is Walt's signifigance ? What is Locke's mission ? What about the rest of the others ? Can Richard save them from the path of destruction that Ben has put them all on ? How has the killing of the real Sawyer by our Sawyer changed him ? He has dead eyes now. Can he open up to Kate ? How is Claire going to react to Chollie's death ? Can Desmond save him or is Chollie really dead ? Is Sun safe now ? Is anyone safe now ? There are so many more questions that keep bouncing around my head but I can't for the life of me remember them all due to the distractions on the train.Now go read B.Quain's blog for everything I missed.
Quietly waiting for 2008……swampy abides……
Yet another post-Memorial Day blog for you, the faithful reader, to slog through so why don't we just get started with some front page news -

Lindsay Lohan busted for DUI and now there is the possibility that she could get charged for the coke they found in her car. Following the theory that even bad publicity is good publicity, do you think the suits at Pepsi were jealous ? And now Lindsay has supposedly passed out outside a nightclub where her friend was so worried about her condition that she fled to a brightly lit gas station so that the paparazzi could get better lighting for their pictures of Lindsay slumped in the front seat. Good thing that Lindsay is headed for Promises today.. I wonder if she has booked the Britney Spears wing and I wonder if they will let her out for Happy Hour. Someone just keep the scissors & clippers away from her head. Though on 2nd thought, I always thought she was more attractive as a redhead than a blonde. I guess Lindsay just can't stand to have Paris one up her.

And speaking of bald babes, Miss Tanzania was certainly interesting to look at last night. I immediately thought of Grace Jones without the killer sneer and growl when I saw her. I wish I had seen Miss USA slip on her azz live last night on the Miss Universe pageant but that would have meant that I watched more than the swimsuit competition and I am just not that shallow. Based on the swimsuit alone, you had to give it to Miss Brazil or Miss Venezuela. Miss Japan, the ultimate winner, strutted down the catwalk like it was her first shift at Baby Dolls and the crowd went nuts. And I can't wait to get home and download that second song lip-synched by the hit Mexican singing group, RBD. I don't know the name but the words got me:

"Dance, Dance, Dance
Rub, Rub, Rub
Stroke, Stroke, Stroke"

That is just powerful.

The Fratellis play music that reminds me of our college frat bands or a band that would have played upstairs at the Alibi. Great stuff. Heard Paulo Nutini's "New Shoes" playing in Shop-Rite on Saturday morning. He certainly went mainstream pretty quickly. And having any song from the Elvin Bishop Live CD come up on my ipod shuffle automatically makes any morning a better day.

Here is a Public Service Announcement for all non-New Yorkers coming to NYC in the future – There is NO RIGHT ON RED but there is most definitely crossing the street on red. I had to jump & twist to pivot myself out of the way of a black audi that decided to gun it around the corner at 36th street. Mel Kiper would have moved me up a round in the draft based on that alone.

This was the weekend of the 10 Cubic Yard Dumpster. It got delivered on Friday morning and it is almost completely full now and you would barely know it if you looked around the house. The kids loved throwing things in and hearing them break. I had way too much fun with the sledge hammer taking apart my wife's old desk and I was very careful about not breaking the mirrors I put into the dumpster. I don't need anymore bad luck than the bad luck I already got.

But not everything that got thrown out made it into the dumpster. At the end of the driveway I placed 6 strollers, 6 car seats, a fold up playpen, a bouncy seat and a Gatorade Golf Bag with a couple of random woods and some umbrellas with my old company's logo on them. Last night, I threw the bouncy seat back into the dumpster, everything else was gone. One mom in a minivan didn't even bother to fold up the 3 graco strollers and another woman (who grabbed the peg perego strollers were standing on her tiptoes straining to see down the driveway as to whether there was anything else she might get to take. All she had to do was drive in and ask, dumpster diving was allowed & encouraged.

What if they had a golf tournament and nobody watched ? Then it would be called "The Colonial". Quick, who won ? I had to look it up too.

What if they had a blog and nobody read it ? It would be called "Quietly making noise". Zing !!!

Ever notice that ever since the Over The Hedge movie came out that Hammy the Squirrel now gets all the best lines in the daily strip ? Not bad for a minor character that stepped out of a mirror.

The television season officially ended last week and this morning I was left with virtually nothing but a couple of Desperate Housewife episodes on tape to watch. I channel surfed instead and couldn't even find a Spanish infomercial for Girls Gone Wild. Thank God for ESPN News and my lack of TV watching over the weekend. That and the Weather on the 8's. Forecast doesn't change much in 10 minutes though. The summer season of shows is starting soon so 4am will not be as dreary as it seems. We have Hell's Kitchen coming back, Top Chef: Miami and a multitude of other bad shows trying to fill airtime on a multitude of minor channels that can always be taped. Dirty Jobs & MythBusters are always good fillers. The Sopranos is almost over and this last episode was dark. Tony is going to have to hit Phil before Phil hits Tony but it is probably way too late for Tony to be able to do anything anyway. I got HBO for the Sopranos & Entourage and The Sopranos ends June 10. Is Entourage alone worth the cost of HBO ? More Johnny Drama and the answer will be yes.

Did you know that on the side of the Girl Scouts Cookies box that it says that a serving is just 2 cookies ? What idiot put that there ? Everyone knows that a serving size is a single sleeve.

Both the Men's & Women's Lax Finales were great. Caught some of the women's finale on Monday morning on tape and caught the beginning of the Men's before I got dragged to see Shrek 3 by the swamprats (I fell asleep – so much for my review). Duke made a mad comeback but Johns Hopkins once again stepped up to take their 9th National Championship. This sport has grown so much since I played in high school. It is just great to watch and over 48K people did down in Baltimore yesterday. Congrats to the Northwestern women while we are at it. Real powerhouse they have built out there in a very non-hotspot for the sport.

Looking back on last week's mention of IDAHO NACHOS, I googled them and came up with other restaurants that serve them as well. They all seemed to be up in the northern Midwest – North Dakota, Minnesota & Wisconsin. Potatoes & cheese – a northern culinary staple.

Speaking of food, it was again Memorial Day weekend and a time for grill everywhere to be manned by men with tongs in one hand and a frosty cold beverage in the other. Or is it ? Saw an article before the weekend that more women are kicking men away from their duty of turning burger patties into charcoal lumps and taking over the grill. Blasphemy I say but then again, I did let my little swamprats help me with the sausages, hot dogs and burgers yesterday so maybe even I am getting to be somewhat enlightened. Also made some pizzas on the grill on Sunday night using a week's worth of leftovers for toppings. I am glad that Mrs. Swampy likes burned/charred food because I had to put her pizza over a hot spot on my Frankenstein of a weber grill. Thirteen years old (present from my groomsmen on my wedding day) and only the shell is an original part. I know I need a new grill for the new house but I still love this thing.

As for the sale of the house – MAKE ME AN OFFER !!!! Subtle, don't you think ?

Why don't answering machines ever pick up on TV unless the wrong person is standing next to the phone ?

Jokingly told Tim to get me 65 pieces of Turkey Bacon this morning when he asked me if I wanted anything from Sick Charlie's. There is now free turkey bacon with each cup of coffee from the kitchen on our floor here at the office.

Casey Mears wins the Coke 600 on Sunday night – that was random and Daro Franchitti played the odds with the rain and won the Indy 500. The highlight of the Indy 500 had to be seeing Ashley Judd jumping up & down in the rain about her hubby's victory. She could easily be on my cheat on mrs. swampy list if I expanded it to ten or more. She would easily qualify as MILF too if she had any kids. Elizabeth Shue definitely qualifies as MILF though. Sounds like she has a new semi-autobiographical movie coming out soon – she plays the mother character for the character based on herself. Perhaps the most exciting part of this movie though is that Andrew Shue is in it too. I miss the theatrical passion of Billy.

So the new co-host of "Yo Mamma" (and isn't being Wilmer Valderramas's co-host a crowning achievement?) got the job when she ad-libbed "Now put some stank on it." Was she talking about the show itself or the putdowns ? This show actually does have some taping potential for 4am viewing this summer. Did I actually just write that ?

I use a pen at work until it runs out of ink. Just threw away a pen from "The Mirage". Guess I need to go on some more trips soon.

Another Bronco got arrested last week – guess they didn't want to be upstaged by the Bengals latest arrest.

While watching the last 2 CSI: Las Vegas episodes – what a great finale after he letdown that was Lady Heather from the week before – I saw a promo for the CSI: Miami finale that wasn't even close to what actually happened in the episode itself. I would have been really pissed if what happened in the ad had happened on the show. And why isn't Delko dead yet ? Maybe the Dharma Shark could eat him the next time they send him into the water ?

Boy the yankees really suck right about now. Even bar owners around the stadium are complaining because no one is coming in to watch them home or on the road. This team is starting to remind me of other great suckitude teams like the yanks of the 60's & 80's. They should just all give up now and let George begin the whackings. WFAN should be a fun listen this afternoon. A great NY sports figure did retire this past week and that was of course the best # 2 in NY Rangers history – Brian Leetch. In fact, the only 3 players to wear # 2 are 1-3 on the Rangers top 5 all time defensemen list – Leetch, Brad Park & Harry Howell. Ron Greschner gets the #4 spot and they say James Patrick is # 5 but I lean towards Willie Huber myself. I can't wait to be n MSG when # 2 goes to the rafters. Only Adam Graves will be left and # 9 better go up soon after. I will hear no opposing arguments on that topic.

Almost done with "The Real Animal House" and my side still hurts from laughing. It's sophomoric & crude and I can add to it with my own stories. Let me say this though, I drank A LOT in college but nowhere near what these guys purportedly did. I will never forget crashing Dartmouth Winter Carnival in 1983 after we got a letter from the Dartmouth Inter-Fraternity Council specifically telling us we weren't invited. Krusty in the Boiler Room of Sigma Nu may have been the highlight of the trip. That story is for another time.

In a tip of the hat to The Lockhorns – I can always put off until tomorrow what should have been done years ago. Crosspostings on blogger are going to start up again – maybe.

And finally, as is habit on these long holiday weekends, swampy did not shave and by last night you could see how much more gray has come in since just back in March. The whole chin and major portions of the cheeks. Mrs. Swampy knows the cause of them and I am sure a great many of you do too- MAKE ME AN OFFER – next time we will have to update the profile pic.

Quietly waiting for the crawfish fest to start….swampy abides